Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Thursday, 5 March 2020

Two Years on....

Photo taken the day we discovered we had lost another baby 

March 2018.

I had just had my 4th miscarriage and life felt very, very cruel. I didn’t cry when they told me my baby no longer had a heartbeat. I couldn’t cry. I had no tears left  My Husband took my hand and we didn't say a word. I was just so, so sad. Instead of a scan picture, I left the hospital with a candle given to me to remember the baby I had just lost but a part of the old Sarah got left behind that day too...  
When we first saw those two pink lines in January 2018 a huge part of me believed we wouldn’t have another miscarriage. According to the Tommy's miscarriage statistics about 1 in 100 women in the UK experience recurrent miscarriage (3 or more in a row). Therefore, the chances of me miscarrying for the fourth time  were so low that it couldn’t possibly happen to me again, right? 

But it did. And I remember feeling so lost. 

It was after this miscarriage I decided I needed to do something to raise more awareness. Trying for a second baby had been consuming my life for two years and I needed to do something positive. That’s when my fundraising for Tommys the Baby Charity begun. I wanted to be the voice for so many women who had lost a baby and felt alone too.  I wanted them to know they weren’t alone, that I knew how much it sucked and I wanted those who had never experienced losing a baby, those who walked past me on the street and had chosen to ignore me to know that they could speak to me. That having a miscarriage isn’t contagious and shouldn't be ignored. 

However, at this point a huge, huge black cloud was taking over my life and it's only now, two years on that I realise just how big that black cloud was. 

Of course, I had Brodie who needed me to be his mum, and needed me to be strong. He was the only thing in my life getting me through those days when all I wanted to do was curl up and hide from the world. 

Because this wasn’t the life I had chosen to live. I’d always wanted a big family. It wasn’t fair. 

It was then that I started to realise having another child may never happen. I don’t think it was something I was ever willing to fully accept but after four miscarriages and for no reason, how could I carry on? How could I put myself, my family, my son through it all over again?

I was under the care of St Marys recurrent miscarriage clinic and we had a follow up appointment booked for June 2018. It was at this appointment I met Dr Raj Rai who gave me the encouragement to try again. He referred me to St Thomas's Prem clinic to see Professor Shennon and prescribed me Progesterone for the first time. 

A few days later I held my first fundraising event, raised just over 2K and found out I was pregnant. Again.... 

But two years on, 

Those two lines turned into what is now a cheeky, happy little baby boy and I cannot even begin to explain the joy he has brought our lives. Getting here wasn't easy. Mentally, physically and emotionally everything took its toll but I can hand on my heart say it was worth it. 

He really is the rainbow after our storm

Two years on, four miscarriages later I know how bloomin lucky I am to have my two healthy boys and I can only hope that for people reading this, people who may be at the stage I was at in March 2018, my story can bring hope. 

Because stars can't shine without darkness.

Our Rainbow, Ari Rupert Freddie!

(Over the next few weeks I will be sharing my experiences on baby loss now a few years later, pregnancy after loss and life with a rainbow baby. I hope these posts will be helpful for those at different stages of their journey. Remember my inbox is always open.)

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