Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.


Thanks for stopping by.



Mrs Carrick x



Wednesday, 6 June 2018

Lost.





Lost. Lost is probably a good word to describe how I feel at the moment. So many thoughts and feelings buzzing around which make no sense. No better place to let them all out than a rambling blog post right?

I look at this picture of us on our wedding day and wish I could go back in time and experience that feeling of true happiness just one more time. I was so naive back then. So naive to think that baby loss would happen to me. To us....



Im a year and a half into this grieving mum life and it doesn't get any easier. Not going to lie, each month brings something new to the surface an at the moment Im very much feeling sad.

Maybe even broken?

You see, Brodie turns three this month and its hurting me more than any other birthday of his. I think I'm beginning to realise that he may be my only child. No-body has told me to stop trying, but four miscarriages later Im struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And that really hurts... 

How do you ever come to terms with only having one living child because your body cannot do what its supposed to do? How do you smile and say 'congratulations' every time someone announces they are pregnant knowing that you may never get that joy again?

When do you have that conversation with your Husband and tell him that your hopes and dreams of a big family may never happen?

Im not somebody who gives up. I always get what I want. But I have absolutely no control over this and I think a part of me has all ready given up. Given up on hope. Given up on the NHS, Given up on our dreams.

Its a lot to try and take in right now and when Life gets tough I'm pretty good at wanting to run away and hide. But I can't keep doing that.

I guess Im just going to have to face this month. Face the hospital appointments. Face the unknown and come to terms with the fact this may be my life now.

In the words of Brodie ' Mummy, Daddy, Brodie' ...

Forever!





1 comment :

  1. I'm usually a silent reader but felt compelled to leave a comment. Firstly, I'm just so incredibly sorry for your losses, I can't begin to imagine the sheer devastation & pain you have & are going through. I really hope that you get your rainbow baby very soon & you get to experience a smooth sailing pregnancy. Have the Dr's at the hospital looked at your immune system? I only ask as a lady I was on the antenatal ward with had 8 miscarriages at different stages & it was eventually found out (at a private clinic in London) that her immune system was working in overdrive when pregnant &
    & attacking her babies. She had specialist treatment (it was an iv with immune suppressant medication I think). Anyway, it worked & she went on to have her rainbow baby after 8 miscarriages. I hope that you get some answers from the appointments & a plan in place for a future pregnancy. I'm sure your 4 angel babies are very proud to have you as their mummy - They'll always be with you every single day in your heart. Wishing you & your family the very best for the future. X

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