Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Sunday, 29 April 2018

I don't want your baby. I just want mine

Since losing our girls a lot of people around us have fallen pregnant and had healthy babies. Of course, thats life. People aren't going to stop having children just because I lost mine but I would be lying if I said it doesn't hurt.

Pregnancy announcements break my heart. Especially ones really close to home and in the family. Because my baby girls should be here too. My baby girls should be here in my arms but they are not.

The trouble with baby loss is that you cannot begin to understand it until you have been through it yourself.  Its very easy for people to brush over it and pretend it didn't happen. However to me, it did happen and I have to live with that every single day.

Everyone is quick to say 'she must be jealous' and yes of course I'm jealous. Of course Im jealous that everyone else can have a healthy baby and I can't but I'm more sad. Sad for me and sad for my family. Sad that the Husband and I will never get to enjoy a pregnancy again. Sad that we may never have another baby here in our arms.

But the thing is, I don't want their baby. I don't want your baby.

I just want mine. 

I long for the life I have lost. When I was so naive to pregnancy loss, so naive to things going wrong. I am grieving for the babies I have lost and for the life I will never have again....

Imagine the pain when your Husband turns to you and says 'I was really looking forward to having a baby girl, a daughter to walk down the aisle'. Imagine having to announce to the world that your baby died and your no longer pregnant. Imagine walking out in public for the first time without your bump, facing people who may know but people who may not.

Its fu**ing hard. 

But the hardest thing of all is not knowing if you will ever get to be that girl who experiences having another baby.....

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