Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Friday, 24 November 2017

'Quick Daddy, Mummy crying'

'Quick Daddy, Mummy crying, Mummy sad' 

I think those words will haunt me forever. I had hit rock bottom and I couldn't hold it to together any longer. I crumbled an emotional mess on the bathroom floor hating how my life had become. I hated waking up depressed and sad every morning, I hated my body, I hated the fact I had let everyone down and I was scared of the future.

Hearing Brodie's little voice as he went to get his Daddy to come and help me hit me hard. I couldn't be like this anymore. I needed to get better, I needed to be a better mummy to him he didn't deserve this. He didn't understand what was happening, why his mummy had gone from being really happy to crying all the time and being sad. Grieving whilst being a mother is probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do...

A few days later, with the encouragement of my Husband I went to the doctors and reached out for help. My Husband is incredibly supportive and came with me to basically do all the talking. We all came to an agreement that starting some medication to lift my mood and help with the anxiety would be beneficial for my recovery.

Eight weeks later and Im really noticing a difference. The days don't seem so dark and gloomy and I am able to manage my feelings and emotions a whole lot better. The anxiety has lessoned and I don't fear leaving the house anymore!

Brodie is also becoming stronger which makes all of it seem so worthwhile. He has struggled immensely with separation anxiety since my stay in hospital. Sometimes we would have to leave him with my parents at 4am in the morning. It was incredibly stressful for us all.

Since then he has lost his confidence and it breaks my heart seeing him distressed at the smallest of things.  I can't explain how happy it makes me to see the smile back on his face, to see him enjoy his swimming lessons again and to have the confidence to go off and play without me constantly by his side.

There is no quick fix to grieving and there is no getting over it. I guess I'm just doing my best to chase happiness, make the best out of a shit situation and find myself again. This year has been so tough andI've completely lost who I am.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't be afraid to accept some help. I refused help for such a long time and really it has been so beneficial in getting me back to where I belong. It is not a sign of weakness,  it is a sign of bravery and Im doing it all for my family and hopefully one day a happy, positive pregnancy.

Because being happy is always the best way to be. 

Thank you for reading, 
Love Mrs Carrick xo

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