Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Monday, 1 January 2018

Chasing happiness

There's so much I wish I could change about my life right now. It feels like one uphill battle but I have to be strong. I have to be happy for my baby boy.

As a family we have gone through so much this year, losing our baby girls has broken us and completely knocked me down.  I used to be so happy. I absolutely loved life and had everything I could have wished for and more. The person I used to be is no more and I look in the mirror and barely recognise the person staring back.

You see when your struggling with recurrent miscarriage everyone around you seems to fall pregnant and bring their baby home and its painfully hard. Knowing that life could be very different and I could have a 7 month old, or a 3 month old or even still be pregnant...

My last loss was traumatic and Im actually very lucky to still be here. Brodie could have been growing up without a mummy and that scares the life out of me. I will forever be grateful for blood donors who are brave enough to donate their blood as thanks to them they saved my life.

As much as I would love to try for another baby again I have a little boy and a Husband to think about and I'm not sure we will be ready to go through this again anytime soon. That in itself is an incredibly painful thought to accept.

Right now you will find me chasing the happiness we so deserve in hope that one day the rest of our life just falls into place.

I will focus on mentally and physically getting myself better by enjoying weekends away, holidays and days out with my two boys. I am incredibly lucky to have such a loving husband holding my hand through all the bad times. No matter what he's always there.

I vow to be the fun, loving mummy I used to be. My miracle baby boy deserves all the happiness in the world and even though being a Mother whilst grieving is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, I am beyond grateful to have him and will do my best to give him everything he ever wants and needs. If losing our babies has taught me anything its taught me to love harder.

I will not stop talking about baby loss and I will do my part to break the taboo of pregnancy loss. I will help break the silence, talk and remember my babies for the rest of my life. I am 1 in a 100 dealing with recurrent miscarriage and I will share my journey. If it helps even one person that is something.

Lastly, I will not give up. This will not defeat me and I will not stop fighting for the rainbow baby we so deserve. We have our first appointment with Tommy's at St Mary's hospital in London and although its our final chance of hope I will go there with a strong face ready to get those answers I so desperately need.

As always thank you for all your love, your messages & your stories of hope. You keep me going on the bad days.

 for now, I will just be here.... chasing happiness. 

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