Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Wednesday, 6 September 2017

Im Faulty...

From as young as I can remember I always pictured myself a mum surrounded by lots of children feeling nothing but contentment. It's all I dreamed off. I loved children, and couldn't wait for the day I held my very own baby in my arms.

I met my Husband aged 16 on a school bus. Not a very glamorous first meeting but fast forward four years and we had our first positive lines on a pregnancy test.

Nine months later we welcomed the most beautiful baby boy and have never felt happiness like it. I felt as if I had found my purpose for this world and I was put on this earth to be a mother. I adored every single second of it, even the sleepless nights.

11 months later, now married and officially a Wife we decided it was time to extend our family. One month later two positive lines on the pregnancy test. Our very own honeymoon baby, the best present ever. 

9 weeks later we had our first scan, I felt so many butterflies as I lay on the table. I was so excited. No heartbeat. Our baby had no heartbeat. How could this be happening? A missed miscarriage. August 2016.

Three months later and I felt a little funny, one pee on the stick.... two positive lines. Another baby! Oh the happiness! A stressful 18 weeks with numerous bleeds and hospital visits ended up a traumatic birth of our Baby on the bathroom floor. February 2017.

My world had fallen apart, my beautiful baby gone and for what reason? Eight weeks later we got our post mortem results which showed our baby was perfect but I had suffered a clot behind my placenta which caused placenta abruption. 

More blood tests showed no clotting disorders so why? Why did I go into labour? Why did I have a clot? Just bad luck? Surely it couldn't happen again? 

Three months later. The month of our wedding anniversary, two more positive lines. This has got to be it! Third time lucky, we can do this. We will bring this baby home. 

Lots of reassurance scans showing baby growing perfectly, we found out the sex..... a beautiful baby girl. We felt happiness. We felt complete. 

Then came the uterine tightenings. Then came the bleeding. Why? No body could tell me. Be positive they said, your baby girl is fine. 

Sunday the 3rd of September 2017. More uterus tightenings. Why won't anyone take me seriously? My body is going into labour and no one believes me. 

One waters broken, one buzz of the emergency buzzer, one rush to labour and delivery ward, one baby girl born. 18 weeks gestation. Too small to survive.

Why?! How has this happened again? Why Me? Why us? Why my baby girl? 

When do I wake up and this all be a bad dream? 

I look back at myself, the little girl picturing her life as a mother surrounded by lots of babies and the tears fall. 

I'm faulty. 

My body won't let me grow babies anymore. 

1 comment :

  1. I just sobbed in the coffee shop reading this!
    You're not broken, life just throws shit at people and it's always the ones who don't deserve it that get the bulk load of it. You're wonderful and I'm here if you need anything xxx