Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Friday, 22 September 2017

You are my constant

With you my husband, I have always found happiness. I have always found a reason to smile, laugh and feel joy. You really are one in a million and as silly as it may sound, I still fall in love with you over and over again eight years later. 

We are two childhood sweethearts, we have completed GCSE's together, A-levels and university degrees. We learnt to drive together, brought our first house together and welcomed the most beautiful boy I have ever seen into the world..... together. He really is the best thing that ever happened to us. 

Our wedding was everything we could have dreamed of and more and I honestly haven't felt happiness like it. I knew from the moment I met you I would be your wife but I never expected a wedding day as beautiful as ours. 

Recently we lost our third baby. 

Our lives have been turned upside down again and our life plans have completely changed. They have been thrown off track. 

The question 'when shall we have another baby' has turned into 'will we ever have another baby' . 

There has been a lot of tears, a lot of anger and a lot of broken hearts. 

Brodie is growing up so fast. Too fast in fact. He still amazes me everyday and I wouldn't change a thing about being his Mummy. Our miracle baby boy and our whole entire world. 

Friendships have changed and moved on. As sad as that sounds people go radio silent when you lose a baby. They don't know what to say, think or do so they disappear. Whether they mean to or not it's hurtful and it's painful. 

Families grow apart. The older you get the more you realise we're not put on this earth to like everyone whether they are family or not. It's sad but unfortunately its life. 

But you, you are my constant. You are always there. 

You are always there to love me when I'm falling apart.

You are always there to support me and encourage me in everything I do. You challenge me, you make fun of me, and you fulfil and frustrate me in equal matters. 

You have been my rock from day one and I'm not sure what made you stick around but you did. You told me forever and always and despite finding that hard to believe at first, I know deep down it's true. 

Right now I'm struggling to believe there will ever be a rainbow after this shit storm. But you keep me going and continue to make me believe that we can and we will survive every rain cloud....together. 

I keep asking you why you would want to stay with me when I can't give you what you want, but you promise me time and time again you have everything you ever dreamed of and more. 

We know from our own grief journey you don't know what you've got until it's gone. I hope and pray I never have to experience this feeling with you.

Because I know I'm bloody lucky to have grown up with my best friend and soulmate. It makes going through the good and the hard times that little bit easier.

Everything changes but you. 

We've got this, or at least you have. I'm just so glad I have you to get us through this. 

If you ever happen to read this I want you to know that despite everything, I love you. 

My love always
Mrs Carrick xo

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