Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Tuesday, 1 August 2017

Pregnancy After Loss; Shit. Im pregnant.

I don't really know how to start this post. So I'm just going to start by saying this. Im Pregnant.

It's the 25th of May, the sun is shining and after a few days of not feeling right I thought I'd pee on the stick and see what happens. Never in my life did I expect to see two pink lines....

Just like before, just when I was beginning to lose all hope that we would ever be lucky enough to fall pregnant again, I did. Another shock, another surprise but of course the best surprise we could possibly have asked for this year.

Trying to conceive is tiring. Especially after baby loss when you know deep down you should still be pregnant, not busy worrying about tracking your cycles and what day your ovulating on. When your so desperate for a baby its exhausting.

But this baby was made with love. 

On our first wedding anniversary just to be precise. I guess thats one advantage to using ovulation tests. You know exactly when your 'peak' ovulation is! Anyway, I will save the details for another post on trying to conceive.

At this moment in time I am only 4 weeks pregnant. Super early and I know deep down anything could happen. In the past, when I have seen those two lines on the pregnancy stick I have jumped up and down with excitement. Right now I feel anything but excitement.

I just feel numb. 

Im pregnant, whilst still grieving for the baby I should still be growing....

Of course we are over the moon its everything that we wanted but Im struggling with my emotions and how I should be feeling. Im still sad for the baby we couldn't keep and I'm absolutely shitting myself that this pregnancy will end before its even truely started.

I guess thats just what pregnancy after baby loss feels like. There is no jumping up and down. There is just this sense of numbness and I can't seem to shift it.

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