Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Saturday, 5 August 2017

Pregnancy After Loss; The first Trimester

If your reading this then I guess I've announced my latest news and I survived the first trimester.
I wanted to document how I have been feeling incase any body else discovers they are pregnant after losing a baby and need something to relate too.

4 weeks
I have known about this pregnancy for a few days now and I'm still waiting for my period to turn up. So far I don't really have any real signs or symptoms. I am feeling more tired than usual, I keep getting headaches, have had had mild cramps and tingling breasts but so far no sickness!

I am still shocked to be pregnant again. Of course happy but deep down so, so scared. I have done 4 pregnancy tests this week just to confirm I am not imaging it. I have also contacted our support midwife to let her know our news and to get our first scan arranged. It has been booked for when I am 7 weeks. Just got to get there first....positive pants!

5 Weeks
This week seems to have gone slowly. In my last pregnancy I was sick and very nauseas from 5 weeks. I have been sick once this week and had a few waves of nausea, gagging and heightened smell but I worry that I don't feel pregnant!

Tiredness is beginning to creep in, I am more hungry than usual and I'm peeing for England! Im so anxious that this baby isn't growing as it should but only two weeks till our first scan and hopefully we will see a happy healthy little bean!

6 Weeks
This week has seen me feeling more nauseas, especially when I am hungry. I find it really strange as in previous pregnancies I normally feel so sick I cant eat. Ive concluded that with this being my 4th pregnancy my body is probably used to it all by now!

Im noticing my boobs are tingling more often which is driving me up the wall! Im beginning to crave apples and ice lollies, not sure whether its the warm weather but I guess the cravings could be worse.

My main issue is the stress and fear. I have never felt so scared in all my life. I just want to bring this baby home with us!

7 Weeks
This week I have had nausea hit me and I have struggled emotionally. We had our first appointment with the consultant where it was confirmed I do not have a blood clotting disorder !

We also had our first scan which was such a relief to see our little bean and a beating hard. Although I thought I was 7 Weeks +1 the scan measured me at 6 weeks + 2. Of course I have been worrying that they aren't growing as they should. The consultant had no worries at all so I guess I need to try and relax and just keep my fingers crossed.

The appointment also saw us create a plan for this pregnancy. The plan at the moment is to scan me two weekly, and to take Aspirin daily from 12 weeks. At 22 weeks we will review the plan and see whether two weekly scans is still necessary. I booked my first midwife appointment so will be seeing my lovely midwife at 9 weeks. Hopefully this will bring me some more reassurance.

8 Weeks
This week my anxiety has been through the roof. It has been so bad that I even booked a private scan in hope of some reassurance. I don't know what it is about private scans but they are just so much nicer than being in a hospital. We really, really considered going private for this pregnancy but have ended up with the same consultant on the NHS who is the private consultant so seems silly to pay money for the same person?!

The scan went really well and I measured exactly to my dates. Not 6 days behind like the previous scan said. This brought some reassurance (which lasted about a day) before the worry and fear crept back in again. Symptoms wise I have been gagging a lot more especially when trying to eat. My sense of smell is ridiculous which doesn't help the sickness and I have struggled to get through the day without a nap!

This week we plugged up the courage to tell our parents who were of course over the moon for us. Im hoping we make it past 9 weeks with no bleeding or complications. If we do were doing better than the last pregnancy!

9 Weeks
Wow, What a week! It has been an incredible emotional roller coaster and I don't really have the words. Throughout the week I felt as if something wasn't right, I rang the local pregnancy unit numerous times, was told each time someone would call me back.....but they never did.

On Thursday I couldn't handle the anxiety anymore and booked a private scan. I went along fearing something was up but never in a million years expected them to tell me what they did. A few minutes into the scan the lady said you have a big subchorionic bleed around your uterus measuring 4.7cm. I couldn't believe it. My heart shattered. How was it possible that I had another bleed. We were told we had 1% chance of it happening again. All I wanted was for a big hole to swallow me up.

I contacted my consultant who advised us to go along the following morning for a scan at Maidstone hospital and then she would see us afterwards. We went along for the scan with a million questions, how could this possibly happen again. I lay on the bed and shut my eyes, I didn't want to hear the words. A few minutes later the monographer said, theres nothing there. I can't see a bleed anywhere. I sat up and asked if she was sure. She showed me every aspect of my uterus, no bleed. All she could see was a tiny. implantation bleed but no where near where the lady who scanned me the day before said I had a bleed. I honestly can't explain how I felt. She spent ages with us reassuring us, showing us our little bean who was wide awake and wiggling away. It honestly felt like a dream come true. We saw our consultant afterwards who couldn't explain what we had been told yesterday but reassured us that the team at Maidstone hospital are so so good and she trusted them with her life and she believed what they were saying. We left the hospital crying happy tears instead of tears of sadness.

In terms of symptoms I have been feeling soooooo tired. Asleep before Love island kind of tired. I have also being feeling really run down, poorly and sick. My sense of smell is ridiculous. Brodie woke from a nap hot and sweaty, he asked for a cuddle, but the smell of his sweat made me sick.... he didn't even smell it was just my ridiculous senses !

Because of my scare I am taking a lot of bed rest. Which means a huge amount of mum and wife guilt but if its whats best for my little bean then I need to. Hoping that a week of resting will mean our next scan is another really positive one.

10 Weeks 
I somehow seem to have managed a fairly stress free week. Its been the first week since week 7 that I haven't had a scan and I thought my anxiety would be worse but I have actually being feeling a little more positive.  I have been feeling really, really tired and that has made me more grumpy and emotional. I think tiredness is one of the hardest things about pregnancy. I have also being so so sick, mainly in the evenings, and I'm sick at the weirdest of times! Unlike any other of my pregnancies Im sick at 10pm in the evening?! I did get some anti-sickness tablets this week as I can't bare the sickness on top of everything else.

I have also been experiencing heart palpations which is really bizarre and not something I remember having in any of my other pregnancies. Food aversions are still strong and Im really smuggling to eat. More eating because I have too than because I want too.

I was going to take my first bump shot this week. I haven't really got a bump, its mega teeney but I couldn't incase I jinx it! (Pregnancy after loss fears)! Im looking forward to our scan this week and hopefully hearing that there is no bleed and everything is okay! (Fingers crossed)!

11 Weeks
This week has been positive and after our scan on Wednesday I said to Mr C 'Im so scared because today is the first time in ages Ive felt happiness' Pregnancy after loss is such a bittersweet feeling and I'm learning to live through the high and low emotions. Our scan showed no signs of any bleed or problems and our little bean was wiggling away all over the place. It was magical having Brodie with us too, he is besotted with babies and just know he will be an amazing big brother!

We are so so close to the 12 week mark which is amazing and I'm really hoping will help ease my anxiety. The last few days I have been really struggling with heart palpitations. I thought maybe it was a sign of pregnancy but now I'm putting it down to my anxiety. Its through the roof for many different reasons but I'm struggling to leave the house alone incase something happens or I'm sick. My anti-sickness tables are helping to ease the sickness but not so much the nausea and are making me super drowsy. I just feel so so awful and have wanted to cry about how poorly I feel so many times but I'm so grateful to be pregnant again. Its just really hard juggling all of it and I want to feel better in myself so I can manage the stress and anxiety of this pregnancy better.

I have never had food aversions so strongly as I do in this pregnancy. Weirdly Im so poorly in the evening. I wake up feeling right as rain and slowly as the day goes by I feel awful! A very different pregnancy to any I have experienced before.

12 Weeks
This week has finally seen the sickness and the tiredness subside and I cannot begin to explain how much better I feel. The last few weeks have completely wiped me but hopefully the second trimester will be a nicer experience!

We had our 12 week dating scan this week. All went really well and we were given the due date of the 4th of February 2018! Reaching the 12 week mark feels like a massive weight has bee lifted off my shoulders although I know too well that anything could happen!

At my scan this week my two weekly cervical checks begin. This is to make sure I don't have a weak cervix. Although they don't think this is the reason behind going into spontaneous labour last time they need to completely rule it out.

13 Weeks 
The last week of the 1st trimester! I have been feeling the best I have felt for ages! Ive been sick 3 times this week which is a mahoooosive improvement! The tiredness has subsided and Im beginning to feel like I may be able to enjoy this pregnancy after all!

We have been on holiday and I even got brave enough to take my first bump photo. A big step for any pregnant momma who has been through what Ive been through! My anxiety seems to have been better although we have been away and if I'm honest I have completely forgotten about being pregnant. Despite the ever growing bump which seems to have popped out instead of spending all day worrying I have been able to enjoy myself for the first time in a long time!

I can't believe I have survived the first trimester, now to survive the second trimester with fingers crossed no problems!

Thank you for reading
Mrs Carrick xo

Update, My precious baby girl was born on the 3rd of September 2017 at 18 weeks. Another Angel for the sky.... 

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