Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Saturday, 20 May 2017

Life After Pregnancy Loss; 12 weeks....

12 weeks ago we lost our little Baby. Its been 12 weeks of hell, 12 weeks of tears and 12 weeks of sadness. When I first saw those two blue lines on the pregnancy test I was so naive to think that this would be the way my pregnancy ended. So naive to think that I would have a baby but a baby I could never keep. Its so hard preparing a place in your heart, a place in your family and a place in your home for a child that will never be there. A child that we will never get to see grow up, laugh, smile or cry.

Greif has a habit of hitting me when I least expect it. The days I wake up and feel okay, often end in tears of heartache. There is no getting over losing a baby. There is no way of filling that little hole we now have in our family.

The events of what happened still play in my head daily. Its been 12 weeks of dealing with grief but also 12 weeks of dealing with trauma. Its been 12 weeks since the midwife wheeled you out the room away from me, 12 weeks since I gave birth on my bathroom floor desperately praying I was dreaming, desperately hoping a miracle would happen and you would start crying and 12 weeks since my life changed.

I would love to say it has got easier. But then I would be lying. The truth is, its gets harder. As the weeks go by we are getting closer and closer to your due date. There are more babies being born, babies you should have been friends with. There are more pregnancy announcements and there are my dreams of having another baby becoming more and more distant.

I shouldn't be worrying about whether we should try again because I should still be pregnant. I shouldn't have to be dealing with the shit grief brings everyday because I should be planning my babies arrival. The nursery should be ready and I should be busy nesting enjoying the baby kicks and flicking through the baby books in search of the perfect name.

This week we put our house on the market because we can not bare to be in our house at the moment. The nursery door stays shut as its full of baby bits and the cot which they will never get to use. It took nearly three weeks for me to step back into our house after everything had happened. I couldn't bare to go back to the place where we lost our baby. Still now, I find it hard to be at home and often just go out on a drive or a walk to escape.

Who knows what the future will bring but Im hoping it will bring us a fresh start. A new home could be the start of something amazing yet, Im not holding my breath. The way this year has gone I doubt anything good will happen but you never know unless you try.

Its been a long 12 weeks and the person I now am is completely different. My life will always consist of 'before' and 'after. 12 weeks feels like such a milestone but really all it marks is 12 weeks of missing you.

I love you so much. Just remember you will always be our second baby. The baby we could never keep. 

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