Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Thursday, 11 May 2017

Life After Pregnancy Loss; Guilt

We are completely devastated to have lost Baby. So much so I don't even think devastated is a big enough word to describe how we are really feeling. There is a huge hole in our hearts and in our lives which can never be replaced. There will always be a part of us missing.

We have been married nearly a year now which means we have been trying for another baby for nearly a year. In that year we have had two pregnancies. We lost our honeymoon baby in August and then lost Baby in February. There is nothing more in the world than we want right now but to have another child, to make Brodie a big brother.

But Im struggling with so much mum guilt. Why is Brodie not enough? Why am I so upset when I have Brodie? He is everything we dreamed of and more yet here we are being greedy and desperately wanting another baby.

I feel so guilty that Im not being the best mum to Brodie right now. I feel so guilty that some days I am so upset I can't stop crying. I feel so guilty there are some some days the grief gets me so hard I can't bring myself to get out of bed. I feel so guilty that there are moments I can't leave the house. I feel so guilty that I don't have the confidence to take him back to some of his favourite baby groups and classes.

I feel so guilty all the time.

I love Brodie with all my heart but I love Baby too. I find myself worrying that I'm thinking about Baby too much and not about Brodie enough. I worry that I'm focusing too much on myself and not enough on the rest of my family.

Life would just be so much easier if we didn't want to have anymore children. But we do. We want to give Brodie a brother or sister to love and to cherish.

We want out family to grow.

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