Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Saturday, 20 May 2017

Life After Pregnancy Loss; 12 weeks....

12 weeks ago we lost our little Baby. Its been 12 weeks of hell, 12 weeks of tears and 12 weeks of sadness. When I first saw those two blue lines on the pregnancy test I was so naive to think that this would be the way my pregnancy ended. So naive to think that I would have a baby but a baby I could never keep. Its so hard preparing a place in your heart, a place in your family and a place in your home for a child that will never be there. A child that we will never get to see grow up, laugh, smile or cry.

Greif has a habit of hitting me when I least expect it. The days I wake up and feel okay, often end in tears of heartache. There is no getting over losing a baby. There is no way of filling that little hole we now have in our family.

The events of what happened still play in my head daily. Its been 12 weeks of dealing with grief but also 12 weeks of dealing with trauma. Its been 12 weeks since the midwife wheeled you out the room away from me, 12 weeks since I gave birth on my bathroom floor desperately praying I was dreaming, desperately hoping a miracle would happen and you would start crying and 12 weeks since my life changed.

I would love to say it has got easier. But then I would be lying. The truth is, its gets harder. As the weeks go by we are getting closer and closer to your due date. There are more babies being born, babies you should have been friends with. There are more pregnancy announcements and there are my dreams of having another baby becoming more and more distant.

I shouldn't be worrying about whether we should try again because I should still be pregnant. I shouldn't have to be dealing with the shit grief brings everyday because I should be planning my babies arrival. The nursery should be ready and I should be busy nesting enjoying the baby kicks and flicking through the baby books in search of the perfect name.

This week we put our house on the market because we can not bare to be in our house at the moment. The nursery door stays shut as its full of baby bits and the cot which they will never get to use. It took nearly three weeks for me to step back into our house after everything had happened. I couldn't bare to go back to the place where we lost our baby. Still now, I find it hard to be at home and often just go out on a drive or a walk to escape.

Who knows what the future will bring but Im hoping it will bring us a fresh start. A new home could be the start of something amazing yet, Im not holding my breath. The way this year has gone I doubt anything good will happen but you never know unless you try.

Its been a long 12 weeks and the person I now am is completely different. My life will always consist of 'before' and 'after. 12 weeks feels like such a milestone but really all it marks is 12 weeks of missing you.

I love you so much. Just remember you will always be our second baby. The baby we could never keep. 

Saturday, 13 May 2017

Our first Wedding Anniversary;

May brings back so many memories for me as its the Month we met and fell in love, the month we got engaged and the month we tied the knot. So many dates and anniversaries to remember and cherish.

This weekend we are having a night away just the two of us. It will be the first time since our wedding so I am looking forward to some much needed time together.

I have written a letter to my Husband for our first wedding anniversary. Its hasn't been the easiest year but it has been a year full of love and laughter. We have so many happy memories to look back on, especially with our little one Brodie. I am looking forward to looking back through all our wedding pictures, watching back our video and reminiscing on such a perfect day.

Dear Mr Carrick,

Happy 1st Wedding Anniversary! I cannot believe we have been Mr & Mrs Carrick for a whole year. We did it! We have survived the first year of marriage! Whilst memories of our day may fade we are left with such a perfect partnership and I love nothing more than being your Wife... the other half of you.

Before getting married I kept hearing the same old bits of advice. One was that the first year of marriage is the hardest and the second is that you will continue to fall more in love as the years go by.

During this last year I have learnt they are both true.

Marriage is hard. I had so many big expectations for the perfect happy ever after. However, this past year has been far from plain sailing for us. Losing our honeymoon baby and then losing Baby Carrick at 18 weeks has been heartbreaking for the both of us. We have experienced things that no couple should ever have to experience.

But, I have discovered the second statement is equally as true. We have survived and we are so, so strong together. Nothing can come between us now. Not ever. I never believed it would be possible to love you more now than I did back then. But as each year goes by, there is always a new reason to love you. Along as I have you by my side I can achieve anything I want to.

I love being your wife. I love being married to you, my biggest supporter and my best friend. There is no body else I would rather share the good and the bad times with.

Seven years ago, I would never believe as two Sixteen year olds who met on their way home from school we would be here and still so in love.

We may not have it all together but together we have it all. 

I am looking forward to seeing what our second year of marriage will bring us but whatever is thrown our way, I know we will always be okay.

I guess after all this waffle, what I'm really trying to say is, I love you, to have and to hold forever and always.

Love your Wife
Mrs Carrick xo

Thursday, 11 May 2017

Life After Pregnancy Loss; Guilt

We are completely devastated to have lost Baby. So much so I don't even think devastated is a big enough word to describe how we are really feeling. There is a huge hole in our hearts and in our lives which can never be replaced. There will always be a part of us missing.

We have been married nearly a year now which means we have been trying for another baby for nearly a year. In that year we have had two pregnancies. We lost our honeymoon baby in August and then lost Baby in February. There is nothing more in the world than we want right now but to have another child, to make Brodie a big brother.

But Im struggling with so much mum guilt. Why is Brodie not enough? Why am I so upset when I have Brodie? He is everything we dreamed of and more yet here we are being greedy and desperately wanting another baby.

I feel so guilty that Im not being the best mum to Brodie right now. I feel so guilty that some days I am so upset I can't stop crying. I feel so guilty there are some some days the grief gets me so hard I can't bring myself to get out of bed. I feel so guilty that there are moments I can't leave the house. I feel so guilty that I don't have the confidence to take him back to some of his favourite baby groups and classes.

I feel so guilty all the time.

I love Brodie with all my heart but I love Baby too. I find myself worrying that I'm thinking about Baby too much and not about Brodie enough. I worry that I'm focusing too much on myself and not enough on the rest of my family.

Life would just be so much easier if we didn't want to have anymore children. But we do. We want to give Brodie a brother or sister to love and to cherish.

We want out family to grow.