Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Monday, 17 April 2017

Life after pregnancy loss; It all got too much....

Life. It's a funny old thing. Just when you think you have it all planned out something happens and it throws you off your path. You have to build yourself up and find yourself a new path. A path which your unsure where it may lead too.

I believe everything happens for a reason but I do not believe a mother should ever have to lose their baby.

Its no secret I'm struggling in life right now. It's no secret that I've struggled in life before. I've got the hospital notes, Ive got the police record. Mental health is a real thing and its a thing close to my heart. Something I will never be ashamed off because its apart of who I am.

Losing Baby Carrick has been the hardest most heartbreaking moment in all my life. I have lost people in my life before but this time its different. Not only have I lost the baby that I had big dreams and plans for. I've lost a son or a daughter, Brodie lost a brother or a sister and I lost my happiness.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

It's part time I know. I know one day I will gain strength from this and find my happiness again. But right now I'm stuck living with the loss of my baby and the trauma of what happened. Regardless of whether your baby survives, giving birth on your bathroom floor with no pain relief, no midwifes or doctors is scary. Its traumatic. Just the sight of an ambulance takes me back to that place. Takes me back to lying in the back of an ambulance watching my mum cradle my dead baby. Its a whole whirlwind of memories I cannot escape from.

We are getting closer and closer to their due date. The day we were supposed to become a family of four. Someone tell me how to vanish that thought from my mind? The saying time is your biggest healer is not true. Time doesn't make things easier nor does it take away what has happened. Time is just a reminder of what we should have in three months time.

Last week life got on top of me. Long story short I lost the plot, was mentally unstable and was found and taken home by East Sussex police. Im not really sure how I got myself in such a situation but all I know is I'm so grateful to the kind and caring police men dealing with an extremely emotional 'me' and driving me home. As soon as I spluttered the words 'my baby died 6 weeks ago' they dropped the whole police man act and listened to me rant and cry. I was angry. Pissed off that they had tracked me down and found me but grateful for just offering a shoulder to cry on.

However, Its got me thinking.

Right now I don't really know what I'm doing in life. I planned and expected to have another baby or at least be expecting another baby by now. For those that know me they will know I have wanted another baby almost from the moment Brodie was born. I imagined my role as a stay at home mum to become more challenging. That doesn't seem to be happening, so what now? Should I go back to work? Should I find myself a new challenge? A new career maybe?

Im so lost on what path I should be taking right now. Maybe now would be a good time to complete my degree? Maybe now I need to do something for me? As selfish as it sounds, maybe I should put myself first and do whats best for my mental state. The trouble is, when your in this state of mind you don't know whats best for you. Leaving the house is a big enough challenge so going back to university or work would be an even bigger challenge? Maybe one thats too big right now?

Im trying my best to be the best mum to my little boy, whilst dealing with the struggles that grief and depression bring with it. I tell myself we have just been unlucky. But that doesn't take away the pain and desire for wanting a second child and it doesn't stop me thinking how different life would be if we didn't have our hopes and dreams snatched from us. We've been married a whole year next month and I can only hope and pray we get our happy ever after soon.

Please 2017 just be kinder.

Ive never felt so lost and without a purpose more than I do right now. I know this post is pretty bleak but I wanted to share an honest account of what life after pregnancy loss is really like. Just in case one day, someone else stumbles across this post and feels the way I feel right now.

Because its okay not to be okay. 

Tuesday, 11 April 2017

Cyrpus....The Holiday we all needed

After losing Baby Carrick, we decided that to escape the heartache and stress of real life we deserved a luxury holiday, some time away in the sun and some time together as a family. I can not begin to explain how relaxed and chilled out I felt. It was so good to just be treated as normal people rather than the couple that has just lost their baby. We met some lovely people and had the most normal conversations, something we haven't had in a long time. I actually cried on the plane home because I just couldn't face stepping off the plane and going home.