Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Monday, 6 March 2017

Our Angel Baby Carrick....

Im not really sure if this post is going to make any sense. To be honest my whole life right now doesn't seem to make any sense so I have no idea why I think this would. But I'm just going to write and even if no one reads it at least I can.

On Saturday the 25th February I gave birth to our beautiful Baby Carrick. It was the most painful and heartbreaking situation I have ever been in. Being in Labour is meant to be exciting, but I knew with every contraction I was closer to meeting my baby, but a baby I couldn't keep. At 2:10am our baby arrived and was born fighting. Born alive but just too small to survive. The Paramedics arrived and confirmed that the baby had a beating heartbeat but shortly after Baby Carrick left us to join the angels.

The Paramedics were amazing, so caring and luckily my Mum (a trained nurse) was there with me holding my hand and supporting me. If I'm honest the whole thing just felt like one very big nightmare. Im not sure I'm over the shock just yet. I remember lying in the ambulance on the way to hospital wondering if this was actually happening to me? How could I lose the baby I had seen wiggling away on the screen two days before and the baby that was kicking me just a few hours ago. What had I done to deserve this?

When we arrived in the hospital I was taken into a normal delivery suite surrounded by a baby cot, and other baby related items. It just didn't seem fair that I had just lost my baby and was now surrounded by so many baby related items that my baby would never get to use.  Unfortunately due to the amount of blood I lost, my low blood pressure and the fact I had just delivered a baby naturally I had to be looked after on the delivery ward.  Luckily I was surrounded by the most amazing midwifes, my husband, my mum and my mother in law. Without them I think I would have just crumbled.

When you lose a baby in the second trimester things are done very differently to when you lose a baby in the first trimester and compared to our last miscarriage. Because I lost our baby at 18 weeks, we had the option for a post-mortum to be carried out. It didn't even cross my mind that this could be something we would have to consider. After lengthy discussions with family, midwifes and consultants we agreed to have a post-mortem completed. Our reason behind this is because they will be able to find out the cause of babies death and what they could do in my future pregnancies to support me better. They also do genetic testing to find out if the baby had something genetically wrong.

Although we don't know for sure its believed I went into Pre-term Labour because of the Subchorenoic bleed I had on my uterus. The bleed irritated my uterus so much it made me contract, my waters burst and go into natural labour.  For me this is incredibly painful. Knowing that their was possibly absolutely nothing wrong with our baby. That they were healthy and growing exactly as they should. But because of the bleed they were made to enter the world too soon. A mum guilt I will never be able to shift.

To begin with they referred to the loss of a our baby as a 'late miscarriage'. To me this term never made sense because it felt so much more than a miscarriage. I delivered our baby naturally. However, a few days later I received a phone call from our bereavement midwife who explained that because our baby was born alive they have decided it is in fact a Neo-natel death and not a miscarriage.

This means we get to register our baby but it also means a death certificate has to be completed. It doesn't seem fair that I have to register the birth and the death of our baby at the same time. However on Friday I received a phone call from the Coroners office. Something I didn't expect at all. Because our baby was born alive the Coronor has to wait for the post-mortem results and make a decision as to whether the death was natural or unnatural. If they believe the death to be unnatural an investigation and an inquest has to be completed. These were words I really didn't expect to hear a few days after losing our baby.

The hardest part for me is we cannot cremate and bury our baby until the Coroner has made their decision and signed the death certificate. The post-mortem results take 6-8 weeks to be completed which means we can't put our baby to rest until May. To me none of it makes any sense. Our baby was born before viability and therefore had no chance of surviving. Why does their death have to be investigated when they were just too small and just so innocent. It feels like we are going to have a big black cloud hanging over us until we get the results back.

We have currently decided not to find out the sex of our baby. To me it would be too painful knowing if we had lost Brodie's little brother or sister. However, the post-mortem results will identify the sex so if in years to come we want to find out we can. This means our baby will be registered as 'Baby Carrick'. Always and Forever our baby.

At the moment I am still completely lost for words, completely and utterly heartbroken and struggling to see how I can move on. We have dreamed of building our family since our wedding in May 2016. All we want is to bring a baby home and make Brodie a big brother.  I can't help but hope we are lucky enough to have a rainbow baby soon. Although they will never replace the baby we lost,  they will help heal my heart and make me feel complete again.

The next few months are going to be incredibly painful and there is no quick fix to this situation. It feels like I'm stuck in a nightmare whilst everyone else around me is living life and moving forward. Instead of leaving the hospital with a baby I left feeling empty with a memory box instead. I just miss my baby so much.

'An Angel in the book of life wrote down your baby's birth and whispered as she closed the book, too beautiful for earth'

Baby Carrick
Born 25th February 2:10am
Gone but never forgotten 

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