Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Wednesday, 22 March 2017

Life after Pregnancy Loss; Grief

Im not really sure if there will be a purpose to these posts but since losing our Baby all I do is read other people's blogs in hope that they make me feel better. So if your reading this and you have just experienced the imaginable, I hope in some way reading this will help you feel that you are not alone.

Greif is a funny old thing. There is no timeline or timeframe. You can chaotically flip from one stage to another, and back again, in a matter of minutes. I wake up every morning and feel as if I hit a brick wall. For a mini second as I come round in a sleepy daze I forget about what has happened. I forget that I lost my baby and then it hits me. And just like that Im back to reality. Back to living the life as a mother grieving for their baby,

Everyday brings a whole new wave of emotions. Sadness, happiness, anger, fear, disbeleif and jealousy are just a few to name. I think one of my biggest emotions is fear. I am so scared I will never hold a baby in my arms again. That I won't fall pregnant or I will struggle with conceiving. Im scared that a future pregnancy may bring more sadness and more heartache. How am I ever supposed to get though a pregnancy after loss without crumbling with fear and anxiety? I cannot lose another baby. I am not strong enough for that shit.

Its coming up to four weeks since we said hello and goodbye. Its been a painfully slow four weeks and the hardest weeks of my life yet. People say that time is the biggest healer. In some ways I agree but in this case time doesn't heal.  There is no way of getting over losing a baby. Instead you learn to just live with the pain.

If I'm completely honest each day is getting harder. I feel more and more empty as the days go by and I'm struggling to come to terms with what has happened. I am surrounded by people announcing their happy baby news, their babies gender and feeling excited about meeting their new arrivals.

Im not going to lie Its hard. So fucking hard. Why do they all get to plan for their babies arrivals when I have to plan my babies funeral? Everywhere I go there seems to be pregnant ladies or new born babies. Its constantly in my face which makes grieving so hard.

As a little girl all I wanted was to be a mum. I dreamed of a big family, a loving Husband and four children. At the moment that doesn't seem to be happening and Im scared that my dream won't come true.

People keep telling me that I'm really brave, that I'm really strong but thats the last thing I feel right now. I feel a complete and utter crumbled, heartbroken mess. Nothing in the world can prepare you for losing a baby. The pain is like no other and no matter what anyone says nothing can make you feel better.

I look at Brodie and my heart bursts with love. I feel like the luckiest person in the world to have such a beautiful, happy, content baby boy. But then I fill with guilt. Why do I feel so sad when I all ready have Brodie? Why is he not enough?

Im scared Im going to waste his childhood being sad whilst longing for another baby when I have him. Why am I so sad when he's everything I've ever wanted? I don't ever want him to think he wasn't enough but right now I want more.

I wish there was a way I could look into the future and know that I will be happy again. That my little family will be okay. Because right now Im scared that day will never happen.

On Friday we say our final goodbyes to our beautiful baby. No mother should ever have to plan a funeral and in the haze of finding suitable music, readings and flowers I can't help but feel sad...its all beginning to feel real now and I'm not sure I'm ready to say goodbye.

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