Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Friday, 20 January 2017

Pregnancy Number two - Pregnancy anxiety.....

Sometimes pregnancy isn't always filled with happiness and excitement. Some times pregnancy is filled with fear and anxiety. After having a miscarriage in August 2016 I never allowed myself to get too carried away or too excited.

So far this pregnancy has been anything but happiness and excitement. In reality I have never been so stressed and worried. If you read my post about our scary first 12 weeks you will know that I have had a lot of issues with bleeding.

I have had over seven scans now and each scan brings new fears and new worries. The anxiety I experience before each scan is overwhelming. Although we have always seen the baby happy, healthy and with a good strong heartbeat, I always expect to be told that we have lost the baby. Any expectant mothers worse fear.

I have a Subchorionic Hemorrhage which is the accumulation of blood between the uterus and the placenta. Only 1% of women have a Subchorionic bleed in pregnancy. Trust me to be that 1%.

The Subchorionic bleed....looking huge !

Having this type of hemorrhage increases the risk of miscarriage and preterm labour, which is a really scary and an unnerving feeling. Fortunately for me, my bleed is not near the placenta and therefore shouldn't affect the growth of the placenta itself or have too much of an impact on the baby.

Our 12 week scan felt too good to be true. We were told the bleeding had subsequently got smaller, that it looked like it was settling and there was no causes for concern. We were both over the moon and I was so emotional with happy tears. We made our news public and announced that Brodie was going to become a big brother! For a few days, I had no worries, I had no fears.

However, I then had another big bleed. Just like last time it was just as scary and just as frightening. I was convinced we were going to lose our baby.

It was a Sunday and after ringing the hospital to be told that there was nobody in the hospital who could scan or see me I was left pretty damn heartbroken. I couldn't bare the thoughts of not knowing what was going on so rang round every private clinic I could find on google and booked ourselves an emergency scan.

We had to drive for over an hour, a very quiet hour with neither myself or my Husband knowing what to say. We arrived and were seen straight away. Our little bean was seen moving around the screen, waving and kicking their legs with a healthy happy heartbeat. However my Subchorionic hemorrhage could be seen and unfortunately had almost tripled in size since my previous scan on Thursday.

It has been another week of fear, anxiety and worry. Another week where I've been unable to lift Brodie, take him to his swimming lesson or out for fun walks and adventures. The hospital do not consider my bleeding an 'emergency' as they know its not an ectopic pregnancy. I therefore have to wait days before they scan me.

Those days pass so painfully slowly and bring so many new worries and new fears. I want this baby so, so much and the thoughts of losing it brings me so much heartache.

This week I was finally able to see a Doctor who couldn't guarantee that everything would be okay but at this moment in time did not see the bleed to be too much cause for concern. The baby is looking happy and healthy and growing perfect for my dates. I am being scanned again at 16 weeks to check on the bleed and hopefully get some reassurance.

13 weeks + 2 days

I am trying to be positive but to be honest I am struggling with this pregnancy. It has been difficult in so many ways. No, I am not looking for sympathy but I am sharing this because I can not be the only pregnant lady feeling this way.

So if you are struggling, if your scared, worried and experiencing these awful pains and bleeding. Then I just want to say I get it. The doctors, the nurses, the sonographers. They might not understand, but I do.

This baby is a little pickle but all these scares just make me love them a little bit more. July 2017 cannot come quick enough.

Thank you for reading
Mrs Carrick xo

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