Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.


Thanks for stopping by.



Mrs Carrick x



Saturday, 28 January 2017

Finding out about Baby Number two





For those who do not know we had our first miscarriage in August last year. It was a really sad and traumatic experience that I would not wish for anyone to experience. Sadly miscarriage is really common, more common than I ever believed.

However, it feels like we have been waiting for Baby number two for months now. After our miscarriage I was really worried it would take months for us to fall pregnant again.

Just when I was giving up all hope, at a real low because I was surrounded by so many new babies, pregnancy announcements and other pregnant mothers, I saw the two blue lines that we were so desperate to see.

It was the 16th November 2016 when I first took the test. I had been feeling a few symptoms but really did not want to get my hopes up. Mr C left for work and I just couldn't take the anxiety of am I? aren't I? anymore.



In the past, whenever I have felt I may be pregnant Mr C was always there when I took the test. This time he wasn't. I decided it wasn't worth the both of us being upset if it was negative. I also did not want to get his hopes up and then let him down.

As soon as he left I went upstairs and peed on the stick. (As we were trying for a baby we had numerous tests waiting in the bathroom cabinet.) I sat on the floor desperately waiting for two blue lines to appear. I begun thinking how much our lives would change, how happy we would be again if we got a positive test...

To my shock, and I mean my absolute shock, two blue lines appeared. I picked it up and stared. I gasped, I shook and I cried. I could not believe it! Two blue lines....our very own rainbow baby. I had to tell Mr C!

I rang him and said he needed to come home right now and it was an emergency. As you can imagine he really wasn't very happy. He had just left for work and was now going to be late. He came in and looked for me.

I hid in Brodie's room holding the pregnancy test in the air. He walked in and I shouted surprise. He was in complete shock just as I was. He put his hands to his head and came running in to give me the biggest cuddle. We cried together, we kissed and it was one of the best moments of 2016.



I wish I had videoed his reaction as it was just priceless but I was in too much of a tizz and I couldn't even hold the camera still to take a decent picture.

(Please excuse what we are wearing. Mr C was just off to a building job so in old clothes and I was clearly not expecting any photos to be taken that morning.)



Moments later I messaged my best friend a picture of the pregnancy test and she could not believe it. She could not work out if I was playing tricks or if it was for real. She was over the moon for us and I could not imagine not sharing that moment with her almost immediately.






We both rang our parents who were of course over the moon for us. My Mum was in just as much shock as we were and kept questioning if I was being serious.

Even now it feels like we are in a complete day dream. Despite the fact we have had several scans all ready, seen our wiggly little baby growing, I can't get my head around the fact our dreams have finally come true and our rainbow baby will be making their appearance this year.

I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who has been there for us during our journey and we cannot wait to continue sharing our pregnancy updates.

All my love

Mrs Carrick xo










Thursday, 26 January 2017

Pregnancy Number two - 14 Weeks pregnant....A&E trips, Anti Sickness Tablets, a heartbeat & more scans



Since announcing our news at 12 weeks and my first pregnancy update I feel so much has happened. I had another bleed a few days after our 12 week scan. It was a scary time and I ended up in A&E as the pain was so severe and I had the weirdest lump, almost the size of a golf ball along my C-section scar. Being a Sunday I had no-one to advise me at the hospital so ended up calling 111. The lady was lovely but extremely concerned and wanted to call me an Ambulance. I told her I was dramatic but not that dramatic and I would get my Husband to take me instead. After an hours wait we were seen by the doctor and although she couldn't confirm the baby was okay or what was happening with the bleed she was able to give advice about my odd shape lump.

Fortunately in the morning my bleeding had settled, the lump had disappeared and a phone call to my midwife resulted in an emergency appointment and being able to listen to Bubba's heartbeat on the Doppler for the first time! There has to be some perks to these scares...




I also hit a real low with the pregnancy sickness and got prescribed some anti-sickness tablets. (yay for understanding doctors). The all day nausea hit a whole new level and I couldn't physcically stomach or eat anything. I was becoming so dizzy, light headed and unwell because of it and was really worried I would be admitted into Hospital like I was with Brodie.

However, the tablets are really helping and although they make me feel super drowsy, I am able to eat better and build my strength up for this growing baby!

So overall it has been a pretty eventful since I last wrote my update but this baby has kept us on our toes the whole time so far....what did I really expect?


How Many Weeks

14 weeks + 1 Day.... Officially in the second trimester!


Due Date?

26th July 2017

How is Baby doing?

Baby is now the size of a peach weighing 43 grams and measuring 8.7cm in length! They are constantly moving around inside my uterus and their lungs are developing enabling them to practise breathing with the amniotic fluid. The babies reflexes are becoming stronger and it wont be long until baby movements are felt. 

Gender

Its still too early to know but Im sensing a Boy and Mr C is sensing a girl. As it stands at the moment we are going to keep this baby a SURPRISE! Myself and Mr C have spoken about it so many times and have decided that as we are struggling to be excited due to everything that has happened so far, not knowing will keep that excitement going! I don't know how Im going to survive another 26 weeks! ahhh! 

Looking forward too

Baby bump growing and feeling the first movements. Im at that awkward stage where Its not obvious Im pregnant and in some tight clothing I just look mega podgy. Im really looking forward to bump growing and being able to feel those special kicks! 

Symptoms?

The sickness is finally easing now I am taking the anti-sickness tablets as is the tiredness. Im finally beginning to feel like I have more energy which makes looking after Brodie so much easier.  I am beginning to get aches both in my back and front but I put it down to a busy day as they only really occur in the evening! 

Cravings? 

Now Im beginning to eat more I'm feeling the love for fruit! Before, the smell would send me straight to the bathroom...now I can't seem to get enough! 

How I'm feeling

Now I have the anti-sickness meds and we had a scan last Friday to confirm baby is okay I am feeling a little less sick and a little less worried. I am doing my best to try and remain positive and enjoy this pregnancy! 


13 weeks + 2 days 

Missing anything?

I hate not being able to lift Brodie and do a huge amount with him because of my bleed. It really breaks my heart that I can't carry him around but he's learnt to crawl on my lap when he wants a cuddle. The mum guilt I have been feeling is horrendous but I'm trying to be positive and think that it cannot last forever!

Favourite outfit?

I got some new long sleeve shirts to wear with my leggings when I fancy a more comfy day! They look great un buttoned with a scarf and the perfect length! 

Highlight this fortnight?

Hearing babies heartbeat on the doppler for the first time. It was such a reassurance and I was in so much shock I couldn't help but cry!

Here are this weeks bump photos. I didn't really get a bump with Brodie till well over 20 weeks but I'm itching for this bump to grow all ready!







Thank you for reading
Mrs Carrick xo





Friday, 20 January 2017

Pregnancy Number two - Pregnancy anxiety.....



Sometimes pregnancy isn't always filled with happiness and excitement. Some times pregnancy is filled with fear and anxiety. After having a miscarriage in August 2016 I never allowed myself to get too carried away or too excited.

So far this pregnancy has been anything but happiness and excitement. In reality I have never been so stressed and worried. If you read my post about our scary first 12 weeks you will know that I have had a lot of issues with bleeding.

I have had over seven scans now and each scan brings new fears and new worries. The anxiety I experience before each scan is overwhelming. Although we have always seen the baby happy, healthy and with a good strong heartbeat, I always expect to be told that we have lost the baby. Any expectant mothers worse fear.

I have a Subchorionic Hemorrhage which is the accumulation of blood between the uterus and the placenta. Only 1% of women have a Subchorionic bleed in pregnancy. Trust me to be that 1%.


The Subchorionic bleed....looking huge !


Having this type of hemorrhage increases the risk of miscarriage and preterm labour, which is a really scary and an unnerving feeling. Fortunately for me, my bleed is not near the placenta and therefore shouldn't affect the growth of the placenta itself or have too much of an impact on the baby.

Our 12 week scan felt too good to be true. We were told the bleeding had subsequently got smaller, that it looked like it was settling and there was no causes for concern. We were both over the moon and I was so emotional with happy tears. We made our news public and announced that Brodie was going to become a big brother! For a few days, I had no worries, I had no fears.




However, I then had another big bleed. Just like last time it was just as scary and just as frightening. I was convinced we were going to lose our baby.

It was a Sunday and after ringing the hospital to be told that there was nobody in the hospital who could scan or see me I was left pretty damn heartbroken. I couldn't bare the thoughts of not knowing what was going on so rang round every private clinic I could find on google and booked ourselves an emergency scan.

We had to drive for over an hour, a very quiet hour with neither myself or my Husband knowing what to say. We arrived and were seen straight away. Our little bean was seen moving around the screen, waving and kicking their legs with a healthy happy heartbeat. However my Subchorionic hemorrhage could be seen and unfortunately had almost tripled in size since my previous scan on Thursday.

It has been another week of fear, anxiety and worry. Another week where I've been unable to lift Brodie, take him to his swimming lesson or out for fun walks and adventures. The hospital do not consider my bleeding an 'emergency' as they know its not an ectopic pregnancy. I therefore have to wait days before they scan me.

Those days pass so painfully slowly and bring so many new worries and new fears. I want this baby so, so much and the thoughts of losing it brings me so much heartache.

This week I was finally able to see a Doctor who couldn't guarantee that everything would be okay but at this moment in time did not see the bleed to be too much cause for concern. The baby is looking happy and healthy and growing perfect for my dates. I am being scanned again at 16 weeks to check on the bleed and hopefully get some reassurance.



13 weeks + 2 days


I am trying to be positive but to be honest I am struggling with this pregnancy. It has been difficult in so many ways. No, I am not looking for sympathy but I am sharing this because I can not be the only pregnant lady feeling this way.

So if you are struggling, if your scared, worried and experiencing these awful pains and bleeding. Then I just want to say I get it. The doctors, the nurses, the sonographers. They might not understand, but I do.

This baby is a little pickle but all these scares just make me love them a little bit more. July 2017 cannot come quick enough.

Thank you for reading
Mrs Carrick xo










Saturday, 14 January 2017

Pregnancy Number two - 12 weeks pregnant.....we made it!


I cant believe we actually made it to 12 weeks. After a really rocky and scary first few weeks I never believed we would get to our 12 week scan. To say I was emotional afterwards would be an understatement. It really was the most amazing feeling. 

Here is how I have been feeling, the lows and the highs to the first few weeks. I plan to do these updates fortnightly so look out for my next update at 14 weeks!


How Many weeks? 
12 weeks + 3 days
Due Date?
26th July 2017

How is baby doing?
Baby is now roughly 5.4cm long, weighing around 14grams and the size of a plum. Although no movements can be felt yet, the baby is able to bend, stretch and kick. 

At our scan the baby was happy, healthy and wiggling away. The bleed that I had at 8 weeks could still be seen but looked like it was settling so hopefully won't be anything to worry about. 

Gender?
Its too soon to know at this stage but I have a sneaky feeling its another little boy!

Looking forward to?
Feeling the baby kicks. It will be really reassuring and its such an incredible feeling 

Symptoms? 
I have been feeling really, really sick since I first discovered I was pregnant. Although, I am not sick consistently the sickness will randomly hit me and I will be sick at the most random time and the most random places. (John Lewis, Bluewater being one of them). I have also really been off food especially meat, so struggling to eat anything other than toast and cereal!

I have also been really super tired.  I remember feeling like this with Brodie. Pregnancy tiredness is just a tiredness like no other. 

I have also had really sore boobs which is beginning to drive me insane.  

Cravings?
I don't really have any particular cravings but I enjoying Salt & Vinegar Chipsticks a little too much right now!

Movements?
Its too soon to feel movements although Im sure it wont be long!

How I'm feeling
I am feeling really relieved that we made it to 12 weeks and the baby is healthy! I have been struggling really bad with anxiety but that seems to have settled now. The sickness is slowly getting better although I'm still unable to eat a proper meal! 

Missing anything?
Not in particular. Of course over Christmas and New Year I did miss being able to have a glass of Prosecco and join in with the celebrations but I wasn't overly fussed!

Favourite outfit?
I needed a new pair of jeans and had some top shop vouchers given to me for Christmas so I brought myself my first ever pair of Maternity Jeans and oh my, they so comfy! I never owned a pair with Brodie as my jeans fitted right up to 28 odd weeks,. However this time for comfort Im going to be rocking the maternity jeans!

Highlights this fortnight?
Announcing our pregnancy news. A moment I had waited so long for and it felt so good to finally do so! The response and messages of love we have received has been over whelming. We really are incredibly lucky. 



I have a non existent bump although I'm sure it won't be long. So instead of a bump photo you have me pulling a silly face waving my pregnancy milestone card!





Thank you so much for reading
Mrs Carrick xo

Thursday, 12 January 2017

Pregnancy Number two - The scary first 12 weeks



The first 12 weeks of any pregnancy is hard. It's exhausting, your body is going through so many changes and if your unlucky like myself, you barely make it out of bed and your head out the toilet due to sickness and all day nausea. 

However, for someone who has experienced a miscarriage before. The first 12 weeks are a very scary time. This pregnancy so far has not been easy.  


16th November 2016


I have never been to the hospital as much as I have in these short few weeks . At 5 weeks pregnant we had our first scan due to a small amount of bleeding. It was a scary and stressful time but baby turned out to be growing as it should. We then had another scan at 7 weeks to check for a heartbeat. As there was no heartbeat with our last pregnancy, to be told that our baby had a heartbeat was the best feeling in the world. 


7 Weeks + 4 days



However, 10 days later things got bad. I experienced a big, big bleed. I was 8 weeks pregnant and heartbroken, convinced our pregnancy was over and that we had lost the baby we so desperately wanted. We rang the hospital and my husband explained the situation and we were told to come in to see a doctor. Two and a half hours we were sat in the waiting room of the Early Pregnancy Unit,  just waiting to see a doctor. Not knowing what was going on and whether we still had a baby or not. It was a horrible, horrible experience only to get worse. We saw the doctor who did an internal examination (not nice at all) and said my cervix was still closed and she couldn't tell us whether we had lost our baby or not. The only way we would know for sure was to have a scan. As I had all ready been scanned with this pregnancy and they knew it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy I wasn't considered an 'Emergency' and therefore couldn't have a scan until Christmas Eve. They wanted us to wait a painful four days before telling us what was going on. 

I was so angry. How could they leave us not knowing for four days! The next morning I rang up our local private clinic and explained our situation. Within half an hour they called back and we had an appointment for that morning! We went along expecting the worse but to our amazement saw a happy healthy baby wiggling away on the screen. 


8 Weeks + 6 days



The private clinics are amazing. The sonographer was so understanding, explained that she could see the bleed and I needed to rest. No standing for long periods, no walking and no lifting Brodie. If I continued to do too much there was a chance I could have another big bleed which could bring the baby with it. 

On Christmas Eve we went along to our scan at the hospital, waited nearly an hour as they were running late... again! But we saw our wiggly baby, our Christmas miracle!


9 Weeks + 2 days



We then went back to the Early Pregnancy Unit on the 2nd of January and saw our wiggly little baby again. Before each scan I get so nervous and my anxiety plays up so much because the fear of not knowing if our baby will have a heartbeat kicks in. Fortunately this time, our baby was healthy and growing as it should. It amazes me how much they develop in such a short space of time!


10 Weeks + 4 Days

Not only have I been juggling the fear of wondering if we would ever reach 12 weeks I have had the most extreme fatigue and all day nausea. My sickness with Brodie was consistent, every morning and every night. This time, the nausea is constant making eating really hard but the sickness will suddenly hit me and out of no where I will be sick. 

Above all else, no matter how hard and worrying these last few weeks have been, I'm trying to embrace it all as I feel so very blessed to be pregnant again. It all feels like some kind of dream at the moment and I'm waiting for reality to hit! We are both so happy to be given the opportunity to be parents again but will be pleased when the baby is here in our arms. 

Have you ever experienced any bleeding in pregnancy? 




Thanks for reading
Mrs Carrick xo





Our Rainbow baby due 26th July 2017 


12 Weeks  + 1 Day









Friday, 6 January 2017

Our Co-sleeping experience





I once got told I smother Brodie in too much affection. Apparently I kiss him too much, I cuddle him too much and that is the reason he is so affectionate himself.




Now don't get me wrong, of course Brodie has learnt his affection from us, his parents or other extended family members. He is a baby and we are his role models, he will copy what we do. He loves to cuddle, and he's never to shy to bless you with one of his sloppy kisses. However, there is no way I believe you can give your baby TOO much affection.



Everyone's parent styles are different. Having worked with many parents before I have seen how different parenting styles effect the behaviour of their children and how it can have an impact on their whole, overall development. Children need to feel loved and cared for and evidence has shown affection is needed for a good emotional development and can lower anxiety and stress levels as children grow up.  (If you want to understand a human's needs more clearly I suggest reading about Maslow and his Hierarchy of needs. I personally find it really interesting )



I do believe that being affectionate towards Brodie just comes naturally to me. I do not try to be over affectionate it is just part of my nature and I guess you have to be to work in Early Years. I understand that some parenting styles consist of very little affection but everyone is different. As a parent, I will always do my best to ensure Brodie gets everything in life he needs, and he is a little boy who needs to grow up feeling loved. This is why we co-sleep and where our co-sleeping journey begins.

Co-sleeping appears to be a much dreaded word amongst many parents. It seems that some parents don't want to admit they co-sleep, others are really open and some are really against the idea and therefore never tried.



Im not afraid to admit that before I had Brodie I said 'I would never co-sleep, I wouldn't want to take the risk', when you leave the hospital you get leaflets encouraging you NOT to co-sleep. However in my eyes, now as a parent, co-sleeping is one of the most beautiful things you can do.

Of course there are certain situations where you shouldn't co-sleep, for example if you have been drinking. But there are also so many benefits to co-sleeping. I personally think the bond I now have with my son is because of co-sleeping! Years of research now suggests that a child who is cared for during the night as well as the day receives constant reassurance of love and support instead of having to cope with feelings of fear, anger and abandonment night after night.

When I was pregnant we brought the Chicco Next 2 me. The crib attaches to the side of your bed which allows you to co-sleep safely with your baby. I knew I wanted Brodie to sleep in our room for as long as possible and by having him next to me whilst we slept I was able to comfort him through out the night.

However, myself & Brodie have always co-slept during the day from a really young age. Im not afraid to admit that in the morning, if the house chores are done, and we are not rushing off out anywhere, I always join Brodie in my bed for his morning nap. He has never been a baby who would fall to sleep easily in the day. Sometimes he will fall to sleep in the car, sometimes he won't. Sometimes he will fall to sleep in his pram but the majority of the time he will wake as soon as the pram stops moving. I have tried putting him to sleep in his cot, on the sofa everywhere but the only place he will sleep during the day is in my bed...with me.



Even now, a year later he will still not sleep unless I am with him. Its just part of his routine now. I know by now he should probably be napping in his cot during the day. But if he's not ready, I'm not going to make him?

From about 8 months Brodie has insisted on sleeping on me. Not just next to me, but actually snuggled on my chest. If I try to move him, he wakes. He just loves the comfort of his mum. Im not going to lie, I love that he wants to be so close. We never got the chance to breastfeed so the fact he needs me to sleep makes up for this loss.



Night times can be really hit and miss. Sometimes he sleeps through and sometimes he wakes. He started to struggle with separation anxiety from about 10 months and since then has been really hard to put down at night. I used to be able to set him down in his cot, turn on Ewan and within 5 minutes he would be asleep.

I have tried controlled crying once and never again. Its just not for me. I cannot stand hearing him cry hysterically just because he wants me. I know amongst other parents it is quite a common thing and thats fine, in no way what so ever will I judge you. But for me, I would rather sit next to his cot for 30 minutes whilst he falls to sleep than hear him cry for 45.





I honestly think co-sleeping is one of those things you will either love or hate. Some parents find they end up with less sleep as they worry or their little one keeps them awake whereas others like myself, have a really positive experience.

In no way do I want our co-sleeping journey to go on forever but I honestly don't believe it will. As Brodie gets older his attachment fears will change, he will begin to understand more and our nights of co-sleeping will slowly come to an end. But for now, if being close to us during the night is what he needs then I will continue to give him that.

As parents we are made to feel so guilty for so many things but I will never feel guilty for giving my children too much love, too much affectionate and doing my best to meet every need.