Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.


Thanks for stopping by.



Mrs Carrick x



Friday, 15 December 2017

All I want for Christmas....






All I want for Christmas is probably very obvious to most. You see what I want for Christmas I should have by now, or be very close to having....


Thursday, 30 November 2017

Family Photoshoot with Florence Berry Photography




A few weeks ago I won a free family photoshoot after taking part in a Facebook competition.  I can firmly say I am feeling incredibly lucky as we now have the most beautiful family photos to treasure forever



Sunday, 26 November 2017

Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic - Appointment #1




This week we had our first appointment at St Mary's Hospital in London. I got referred via my GP to the recurrent miscarriage clinic which the charity Tommy's supports. Before my appointment I had to complete a lengthy questionnaire all about my self and my pregnancy loss journey. This gave the doctors a chance to read my notes and my history before I arrived.


Friday, 24 November 2017

'Quick Daddy, Mummy crying'




'Quick Daddy, Mummy crying, Mummy sad' 


Thursday, 28 September 2017

Building a false chimney breast





Having needed a bit of a distraction from life recently I decided to set my Husband the task of building a false chimney breast in the centre of our living room. We have spoken about it before as we have always felt our living room has been so big and not cosy. 


Monday, 25 September 2017

Angel Carrick




Its been three weeks now and I think its time you got the dedication you deserved. My sweet, beautiful baby girl. Another girl I couldn't keep. Another angel in the sky.


Friday, 22 September 2017

You are my constant





With you my husband, I have always found happiness. I have always found a reason to smile, laugh and feel joy. You really are one in a million and as silly as it may sound, I still fall in love with you over and over again eight years later. 


Sunday, 10 September 2017

Dear Eastenders....

Dear Eastenders, 

I have recently watched the episode in which you have tried to portray baby loss at 18 weeks. Although I think it is so, so important to make others aware of Baby loss and how it can impact people's lives, I'm slightly concerned at how 'easy' you made it seem. 

I have lost two babies at 18 weeks. Both very traumatic but in different ways. My first baby was born at home on the bathroom floor and my second in hospital. 

For me, both times my labour started with intense contractions & my waters breaking. My baby was then delivered but just like in a normal birth my baby was born alive. Then the cord needed to be cut and the placenta needed to be delivered? Who did this? Why was she not in more pain? How was she not bleeding? 

With my second birth I lost 1.3L of blood, had retained placenta, was rushed to theatre and ended up in the High Dependency Unit critically ill. I had the lowest blood pressure my midwife has ever seen, I kept going in and out of consciousness and I needed a blood transfusion. Both this was traumatic for myself but for my husband and my mother who had to witness this.

Giving birth at 18 weeks is not easy. There are normally many complications and I don't think the way you have portrayed a miscarriage at 18 weeks is fair. 

Please seek advice from midwives, charities and people who have horrendously experienced a late miscarriage before doing what you think is right and what you think would happen. 

Because your wrong. Oh so wrong. 

Kind Regards 

Mrs Carrick.... a baby loss survivor 

Wednesday, 6 September 2017

Im Faulty...




From as young as I can remember I always pictured myself a mum surrounded by lots of children feeling nothing but contentment. It's all I dreamed off. I loved children, and couldn't wait for the day I held my very own baby in my arms.


Sunday, 20 August 2017

Pregnancy After Loss; Its A...........



I am super excited to announce that Baby Number three is a beautiful baby girl. 





Despite this being a completely different pregnancy to Brodie's I was still pretty convinced this baby was a boy! I think in my head I've always imagined myself as a mum to boys but this is all about to change and I couldn't be happier!


Friday, 11 August 2017

Pregnancy loss; Just a miscarriage?

Please don't call the loss of my baby a miscarriage.  It was so much more than just a miscarriage. 

My baby was born alive....

My baby has a birth certificate, a death certificate and their ashes are at home with us where they belong. 

I didn't just miscarry my baby, I went into very pre-term labour. I fought every contraction just hoping they would stop but they didn't. 

My baby was born alive, they were feisty and fought with the world for a few minutes before leaving to join the angels. 

My baby's death medically is known as a 'neonatal death' not a miscarriage. 

I had to endure the agony wait of a coroner to decide whether the death of my baby was 'natural' or 'un natural' whether it was suspicious and whether I.... the mother to my baby did something to cause my baby to die. 

I had to plan my babies funeral, I had to make decisions no mother should ever, ever have to make. 

I didn't just miscarry my baby, they were just too small to survive. 




Saturday, 5 August 2017

Pregnancy After Loss; The first Trimester



If your reading this then I guess I've announced my latest news and I survived the first trimester.
I wanted to document how I have been feeling incase any body else discovers they are pregnant after losing a baby and need something to relate too.



4 weeks
I have known about this pregnancy for a few days now and I'm still waiting for my period to turn up. So far I don't really have any real signs or symptoms. I am feeling more tired than usual, I keep getting headaches, have had had mild cramps and tingling breasts but so far no sickness!

I am still shocked to be pregnant again. Of course happy but deep down so, so scared. I have done 4 pregnancy tests this week just to confirm I am not imaging it. I have also contacted our support midwife to let her know our news and to get our first scan arranged. It has been booked for when I am 7 weeks. Just got to get there first....positive pants!


5 Weeks
This week seems to have gone slowly. In my last pregnancy I was sick and very nauseas from 5 weeks. I have been sick once this week and had a few waves of nausea, gagging and heightened smell but I worry that I don't feel pregnant!

Tiredness is beginning to creep in, I am more hungry than usual and I'm peeing for England! Im so anxious that this baby isn't growing as it should but only two weeks till our first scan and hopefully we will see a happy healthy little bean!


6 Weeks
This week has seen me feeling more nauseas, especially when I am hungry. I find it really strange as in previous pregnancies I normally feel so sick I cant eat. Ive concluded that with this being my 4th pregnancy my body is probably used to it all by now!

Im noticing my boobs are tingling more often which is driving me up the wall! Im beginning to crave apples and ice lollies, not sure whether its the warm weather but I guess the cravings could be worse.

My main issue is the stress and fear. I have never felt so scared in all my life. I just want to bring this baby home with us!


7 Weeks
This week I have had nausea hit me and I have struggled emotionally. We had our first appointment with the consultant where it was confirmed I do not have a blood clotting disorder !

We also had our first scan which was such a relief to see our little bean and a beating hard. Although I thought I was 7 Weeks +1 the scan measured me at 6 weeks + 2. Of course I have been worrying that they aren't growing as they should. The consultant had no worries at all so I guess I need to try and relax and just keep my fingers crossed.



The appointment also saw us create a plan for this pregnancy. The plan at the moment is to scan me two weekly, and to take Aspirin daily from 12 weeks. At 22 weeks we will review the plan and see whether two weekly scans is still necessary. I booked my first midwife appointment so will be seeing my lovely midwife at 9 weeks. Hopefully this will bring me some more reassurance.


8 Weeks
This week my anxiety has been through the roof. It has been so bad that I even booked a private scan in hope of some reassurance. I don't know what it is about private scans but they are just so much nicer than being in a hospital. We really, really considered going private for this pregnancy but have ended up with the same consultant on the NHS who is the private consultant so seems silly to pay money for the same person?!

The scan went really well and I measured exactly to my dates. Not 6 days behind like the previous scan said. This brought some reassurance (which lasted about a day) before the worry and fear crept back in again. Symptoms wise I have been gagging a lot more especially when trying to eat. My sense of smell is ridiculous which doesn't help the sickness and I have struggled to get through the day without a nap!



This week we plugged up the courage to tell our parents who were of course over the moon for us. Im hoping we make it past 9 weeks with no bleeding or complications. If we do were doing better than the last pregnancy!


9 Weeks
Wow, What a week! It has been an incredible emotional roller coaster and I don't really have the words. Throughout the week I felt as if something wasn't right, I rang the local pregnancy unit numerous times, was told each time someone would call me back.....but they never did.

On Thursday I couldn't handle the anxiety anymore and booked a private scan. I went along fearing something was up but never in a million years expected them to tell me what they did. A few minutes into the scan the lady said you have a big subchorionic bleed around your uterus measuring 4.7cm. I couldn't believe it. My heart shattered. How was it possible that I had another bleed. We were told we had 1% chance of it happening again. All I wanted was for a big hole to swallow me up.

I contacted my consultant who advised us to go along the following morning for a scan at Maidstone hospital and then she would see us afterwards. We went along for the scan with a million questions, how could this possibly happen again. I lay on the bed and shut my eyes, I didn't want to hear the words. A few minutes later the monographer said, theres nothing there. I can't see a bleed anywhere. I sat up and asked if she was sure. She showed me every aspect of my uterus, no bleed. All she could see was a tiny. implantation bleed but no where near where the lady who scanned me the day before said I had a bleed. I honestly can't explain how I felt. She spent ages with us reassuring us, showing us our little bean who was wide awake and wiggling away. It honestly felt like a dream come true. We saw our consultant afterwards who couldn't explain what we had been told yesterday but reassured us that the team at Maidstone hospital are so so good and she trusted them with her life and she believed what they were saying. We left the hospital crying happy tears instead of tears of sadness.





In terms of symptoms I have been feeling soooooo tired. Asleep before Love island kind of tired. I have also being feeling really run down, poorly and sick. My sense of smell is ridiculous. Brodie woke from a nap hot and sweaty, he asked for a cuddle, but the smell of his sweat made me sick.... he didn't even smell it was just my ridiculous senses !

Because of my scare I am taking a lot of bed rest. Which means a huge amount of mum and wife guilt but if its whats best for my little bean then I need to. Hoping that a week of resting will mean our next scan is another really positive one.


10 Weeks 
I somehow seem to have managed a fairly stress free week. Its been the first week since week 7 that I haven't had a scan and I thought my anxiety would be worse but I have actually being feeling a little more positive.  I have been feeling really, really tired and that has made me more grumpy and emotional. I think tiredness is one of the hardest things about pregnancy. I have also being so so sick, mainly in the evenings, and I'm sick at the weirdest of times! Unlike any other of my pregnancies Im sick at 10pm in the evening?! I did get some anti-sickness tablets this week as I can't bare the sickness on top of everything else.

I have also been experiencing heart palpations which is really bizarre and not something I remember having in any of my other pregnancies. Food aversions are still strong and Im really smuggling to eat. More eating because I have too than because I want too.

I was going to take my first bump shot this week. I haven't really got a bump, its mega teeney but I couldn't incase I jinx it! (Pregnancy after loss fears)! Im looking forward to our scan this week and hopefully hearing that there is no bleed and everything is okay! (Fingers crossed)!


11 Weeks
This week has been positive and after our scan on Wednesday I said to Mr C 'Im so scared because today is the first time in ages Ive felt happiness' Pregnancy after loss is such a bittersweet feeling and I'm learning to live through the high and low emotions. Our scan showed no signs of any bleed or problems and our little bean was wiggling away all over the place. It was magical having Brodie with us too, he is besotted with babies and just know he will be an amazing big brother!

We are so so close to the 12 week mark which is amazing and I'm really hoping will help ease my anxiety. The last few days I have been really struggling with heart palpitations. I thought maybe it was a sign of pregnancy but now I'm putting it down to my anxiety. Its through the roof for many different reasons but I'm struggling to leave the house alone incase something happens or I'm sick. My anti-sickness tables are helping to ease the sickness but not so much the nausea and are making me super drowsy. I just feel so so awful and have wanted to cry about how poorly I feel so many times but I'm so grateful to be pregnant again. Its just really hard juggling all of it and I want to feel better in myself so I can manage the stress and anxiety of this pregnancy better.

I have never had food aversions so strongly as I do in this pregnancy. Weirdly Im so poorly in the evening. I wake up feeling right as rain and slowly as the day goes by I feel awful! A very different pregnancy to any I have experienced before.



12 Weeks
This week has finally seen the sickness and the tiredness subside and I cannot begin to explain how much better I feel. The last few weeks have completely wiped me but hopefully the second trimester will be a nicer experience!

We had our 12 week dating scan this week. All went really well and we were given the due date of the 4th of February 2018! Reaching the 12 week mark feels like a massive weight has bee lifted off my shoulders although I know too well that anything could happen!

At my scan this week my two weekly cervical checks begin. This is to make sure I don't have a weak cervix. Although they don't think this is the reason behind going into spontaneous labour last time they need to completely rule it out.






13 Weeks 
The last week of the 1st trimester! I have been feeling the best I have felt for ages! Ive been sick 3 times this week which is a mahoooosive improvement! The tiredness has subsided and Im beginning to feel like I may be able to enjoy this pregnancy after all!

We have been on holiday and I even got brave enough to take my first bump photo. A big step for any pregnant momma who has been through what Ive been through! My anxiety seems to have been better although we have been away and if I'm honest I have completely forgotten about being pregnant. Despite the ever growing bump which seems to have popped out instead of spending all day worrying I have been able to enjoy myself for the first time in a long time!




I can't believe I have survived the first trimester, now to survive the second trimester with fingers crossed no problems!


Thank you for reading
Mrs Carrick xo








Update, My precious baby girl was born on the 3rd of September 2017 at 18 weeks. Another Angel for the sky.... 









Tuesday, 1 August 2017

Pregnancy After Loss; Shit. Im pregnant.




I don't really know how to start this post. So I'm just going to start by saying this. Im Pregnant.

It's the 25th of May, the sun is shining and after a few days of not feeling right I thought I'd pee on the stick and see what happens. Never in my life did I expect to see two pink lines....

Just like before, just when I was beginning to lose all hope that we would ever be lucky enough to fall pregnant again, I did. Another shock, another surprise but of course the best surprise we could possibly have asked for this year.

Trying to conceive is tiring. Especially after baby loss when you know deep down you should still be pregnant, not busy worrying about tracking your cycles and what day your ovulating on. When your so desperate for a baby its exhausting.

But this baby was made with love. 

On our first wedding anniversary just to be precise. I guess thats one advantage to using ovulation tests. You know exactly when your 'peak' ovulation is! Anyway, I will save the details for another post on trying to conceive.

At this moment in time I am only 4 weeks pregnant. Super early and I know deep down anything could happen. In the past, when I have seen those two lines on the pregnancy stick I have jumped up and down with excitement. Right now I feel anything but excitement.

I just feel numb. 

Im pregnant, whilst still grieving for the baby I should still be growing....

Of course we are over the moon its everything that we wanted but Im struggling with my emotions and how I should be feeling. Im still sad for the baby we couldn't keep and I'm absolutely shitting myself that this pregnancy will end before its even truely started.

I guess thats just what pregnancy after baby loss feels like. There is no jumping up and down. There is just this sense of numbness and I can't seem to shift it.







Monday, 31 July 2017

Surprise!





We are over the moon, although extremely anxious to announce that we are expecting our Rainbow Baby, due February 2018. 




Sunday, 16 July 2017

Life After Pregnancy Loss; A man's perspective



One thing I have found since being on this pregnancy loss journey is how easy it is for the men to be forgotten about. Everyone is so quick to ask how the woman is that it never crosses their mind that two people have just lost a baby not just one.  My Husband has agreed to write a post describing his experience of pregnancy loss and what he struggled with the most. I know he still finds it really hard to talk about let alone think about so Im really proud he has agreed to this!

As always Thank you for reading,
Mrs Carrick x



............................................................................................................

The hardest part of losing Baby was the thought of Brodie never having a brother or sister. For me I have always wanted children and I never wanted a big age gap. I found myself constantly comparing the age gap between other people's children and wondering whether we would ever be able to have another child or whether we would have to accept the fact we could only have the one. I also felt a huge pressure to give Sarah what she wanted and that was a baby and it made me angry that we were in this situation.

I also hated seeing Sarah so upset. It was so hard seeing the person you love the most so distraught knowing there was nothing that I could do to help. Nothing I could do could help her feel better and for her she had the physical connection, she carried the baby, she felt their kicks and she gave birth naturally so she naturally felt really empty and something which only she could feel.

Whilst in hospital we had to discuss our wants and wishes regarding babies funeral and post mortem. I really struggled to accept what had happened and to begin with didn't want to believe we had just lost our Baby. I didn't want a memory box from the hospital, I didn't want to attend the funeral and I didn't want to collect the ashes. Of course Sarah felt really differently about that and therefore planned the funeral by herself. It wasn't until the day before when I spoke to the Chaplin on the phone that I agreed I was ready to attend the funeral. Although it was one of the hardest things I have ever done I am so glad that I did and I felt like I had the closure I needed.

As a man you automatically take on the role of being supportive and feel as if you have to hold it all together. I felt I needed to take control of the situation and support Sarah as much as possible as well as looking after our son, managing a business and going to work.

Since everything has happened I find there are reminders at home of what has happened and what we have lost. The shock and trauma of seeing my Wife give birth to my child on the bathroom floor will stay with me forever. Seeing the person you love in huge amounts of pain and not being able to do anything to help is unbearable. The whole thought of it is still very raw and I'm still not ready to talk about it properly.

Overall losing Baby has changed my life and who I am as a person. It has brought me and Sarah closer, it has made us stronger and her bravery makes me the proudest Husband.





Thanks for reading,
Mr C 












Thursday, 29 June 2017

Life After Pregnancy Loss; Results



last week we met with our consultant to discuss my final blood tests results. I never blogged about our first meeting with the consultant as I could never get the words together. I was such an emotional mess and I wasn't in a very good place at that time. 

Long story short, after giving birth I had a lot of tests done to try and find a reason behind spontaneously going into labour. One of my blood tests came back as borderline positive for something called Lupus Anticoagulant . This is a blood clotting disorder which can affect your pregnancy in different ways. The good news is that if I have Lupus there is treatment available which involves taking aspirin and blood thinner injections daily. The treatment increases the chances of you having a live baby from 10-70%. 

The downside? I had to wait 5 weeks before I could have the test to confirm it as the blood tests had to be completed 12 weeks apart. Last month I had the test done so have recently been waiting for the results. It's been such an emotional rollercoaster dealing with the uncertainty. 

Last week we learnt that the tests have come back as negative. Which is amazing news but why am I still so sad? 

Having this negative results means that we have no real answer behind losing Baby Carrick. I'm trying to get my head around it all. Of course it's amazing news not to have the blood clotting disorder, but with no real answers surely that means it could happen again!? 

I'm not sure 'Bad Luck' is a good enough reason behind losing my Baby and I'm not sure it's something I will ever get over. My body let them down end off.

I really wanted this to be the end of the chapter. But I just can't seem to shut the book without knowing what would have caused my placenta abruption. It worries me that with no diagnosis and no treatment it could all just happen again? 

I've been having a bit of a social media break, a break away from all the baby bumps and pregnancy announcements. It's so, so hard knowing that it should be me and I should be a few weeks away from holding my baby. 

Friday, 16 June 2017

Brodie James Basil Turns Two!




I honestly cannot believe I am sat here writing a post about my TWO year old. The second year has gone by even faster than the first and Im in shock as to where the time has gone!





I look back at pictures of B as a tiny little newborn, so small and perfect and find it hard to imagine him ever being so small. He has never been a small child for his age and is often mistaken for being nearer 3 than 2. Since about 6 months, Brodie has been high on the percentile and at one year was on the 99th percentile for height and weight. I believe he will probably still be on the 99th percentile at his two year check as he towers above the rest of his peers.







In the last 12 months we have watched Brodie grow from from a baby into a little boy. He is so funny, cheeky and full of character. His personality has to be one of my favourite things about him. He makes me laugh everyday, is so so social and confident, especially around older children but at the same time so loving and affectionate. He loves his cuddles with his Mumma saying 'Cuggle' and loves a kiss! The first thing he does when he says goodbye is wave and pout ready to Kiss you! Its really the cutest thing!



The last year has been a roller coaster for us as parents and we have had to go through some of the toughest times as a family. We feel beyond lucky and blessed to have Brodie. Our little Miracle. He has kept us going on some of the hardest days. He's always able to sense when something is wrong which means we have to be extra careful around him but it also means he has a good sense of emotion and knows when I need that extra bit of loving!






Developmental wise he has come on leaps and bounds. His communication and language has to be one of his biggest improvements. He just does not stop talking!!!!! My sister looked after him recently whilst we were at a Wedding. When I next saw her she said do you ever get a break from his talking, apparently he just didn't stop all day even in the car! He's beginning to put words together to make sentences which is absolutely adorable! His vocabulary just keeps on growing and he surprises me with new words everyday. Even if he doesn't know a word he will try his best to say it!




He has always been a really physical child. Although he never crawled he walked fairly quickly. He has been riding his scooter with confidence from around 20 months and is honestly incredible on it. He is so confident and gains so much speed he zooms around! He is such a climber too and never too afraid to climb some of the biggest claiming frames. His improvement in swimming is crazy. He spends more time out my arms than he does in my arms. His independent swimming is coming on leaps and bounds and we are so lucky to attend a lovely little swimming school.





His love for the outdoors grows everyday! As parents we think its so so important for children to explore the world and get outside. Every weekend without fail we will go on an outdoor adventure whether its raining or sunny. We have created some of the most amazing family memories. He is lucky to have two gardens and spends all day outside playing with his trucks, on his ride ons, football or with his water table. For his birthday we have brought him a small trampoline and although it will probably take up most of the garden, it will be so worth it.




His favourite things are animals, tractors, trains and diggers! He loves a day out on the farm or just out in the country side spotting different animals and finding tractors. His love for Moana the disney film grows everyday. I have lost count how many times he has watched the film. He is obsessed, so much so we have to listen to it in the car!





Overall he is the happiest little boy I have ever met and I am so proud to call him mine!



Brodie James Basil, you are so loved, so adored and the best part of my life. I cannot wait to see what you will bring our little family over the next year. I cannot wait to watch you grow but always know however big you may get, you will never be too old for Mumma cuddles. Keep smiling, stay healthy and know you are always loved. 


All My Love,
Mummy 
x






Saturday, 20 May 2017

Life After Pregnancy Loss; 12 weeks....



12 weeks ago we lost our little Baby. Its been 12 weeks of hell, 12 weeks of tears and 12 weeks of sadness. When I first saw those two blue lines on the pregnancy test I was so naive to think that this would be the way my pregnancy ended. So naive to think that I would have a baby but a baby I could never keep. Its so hard preparing a place in your heart, a place in your family and a place in your home for a child that will never be there. A child that we will never get to see grow up, laugh, smile or cry.

Greif has a habit of hitting me when I least expect it. The days I wake up and feel okay, often end in tears of heartache. There is no getting over losing a baby. There is no way of filling that little hole we now have in our family.

The events of what happened still play in my head daily. Its been 12 weeks of dealing with grief but also 12 weeks of dealing with trauma. Its been 12 weeks since the midwife wheeled you out the room away from me, 12 weeks since I gave birth on my bathroom floor desperately praying I was dreaming, desperately hoping a miracle would happen and you would start crying and 12 weeks since my life changed.

I would love to say it has got easier. But then I would be lying. The truth is, its gets harder. As the weeks go by we are getting closer and closer to your due date. There are more babies being born, babies you should have been friends with. There are more pregnancy announcements and there are my dreams of having another baby becoming more and more distant.

I shouldn't be worrying about whether we should try again because I should still be pregnant. I shouldn't have to be dealing with the shit grief brings everyday because I should be planning my babies arrival. The nursery should be ready and I should be busy nesting enjoying the baby kicks and flicking through the baby books in search of the perfect name.

This week we put our house on the market because we can not bare to be in our house at the moment. The nursery door stays shut as its full of baby bits and the cot which they will never get to use. It took nearly three weeks for me to step back into our house after everything had happened. I couldn't bare to go back to the place where we lost our baby. Still now, I find it hard to be at home and often just go out on a drive or a walk to escape.

Who knows what the future will bring but Im hoping it will bring us a fresh start. A new home could be the start of something amazing yet, Im not holding my breath. The way this year has gone I doubt anything good will happen but you never know unless you try.

Its been a long 12 weeks and the person I now am is completely different. My life will always consist of 'before' and 'after. 12 weeks feels like such a milestone but really all it marks is 12 weeks of missing you.

I love you so much. Just remember you will always be our second baby. The baby we could never keep. 





Saturday, 13 May 2017

Our first Wedding Anniversary;




May brings back so many memories for me as its the Month we met and fell in love, the month we got engaged and the month we tied the knot. So many dates and anniversaries to remember and cherish.

This weekend we are having a night away just the two of us. It will be the first time since our wedding so I am looking forward to some much needed time together.

I have written a letter to my Husband for our first wedding anniversary. Its hasn't been the easiest year but it has been a year full of love and laughter. We have so many happy memories to look back on, especially with our little one Brodie. I am looking forward to looking back through all our wedding pictures, watching back our video and reminiscing on such a perfect day.







Dear Mr Carrick,

Happy 1st Wedding Anniversary! I cannot believe we have been Mr & Mrs Carrick for a whole year. We did it! We have survived the first year of marriage! Whilst memories of our day may fade we are left with such a perfect partnership and I love nothing more than being your Wife... the other half of you.

Before getting married I kept hearing the same old bits of advice. One was that the first year of marriage is the hardest and the second is that you will continue to fall more in love as the years go by.

During this last year I have learnt they are both true.

Marriage is hard. I had so many big expectations for the perfect happy ever after. However, this past year has been far from plain sailing for us. Losing our honeymoon baby and then losing Baby Carrick at 18 weeks has been heartbreaking for the both of us. We have experienced things that no couple should ever have to experience.

But, I have discovered the second statement is equally as true. We have survived and we are so, so strong together. Nothing can come between us now. Not ever. I never believed it would be possible to love you more now than I did back then. But as each year goes by, there is always a new reason to love you. Along as I have you by my side I can achieve anything I want to.

I love being your wife. I love being married to you, my biggest supporter and my best friend. There is no body else I would rather share the good and the bad times with.

Seven years ago, I would never believe as two Sixteen year olds who met on their way home from school we would be here and still so in love.

We may not have it all together but together we have it all. 

I am looking forward to seeing what our second year of marriage will bring us but whatever is thrown our way, I know we will always be okay.

I guess after all this waffle, what I'm really trying to say is, I love you, to have and to hold forever and always.

Love your Wife
Mrs Carrick xo













Thursday, 11 May 2017

Life After Pregnancy Loss; Guilt



We are completely devastated to have lost Baby. So much so I don't even think devastated is a big enough word to describe how we are really feeling. There is a huge hole in our hearts and in our lives which can never be replaced. There will always be a part of us missing.

We have been married nearly a year now which means we have been trying for another baby for nearly a year. In that year we have had two pregnancies. We lost our honeymoon baby in August and then lost Baby in February. There is nothing more in the world than we want right now but to have another child, to make Brodie a big brother.

But Im struggling with so much mum guilt. Why is Brodie not enough? Why am I so upset when I have Brodie? He is everything we dreamed of and more yet here we are being greedy and desperately wanting another baby.

I feel so guilty that Im not being the best mum to Brodie right now. I feel so guilty that some days I am so upset I can't stop crying. I feel so guilty there are some some days the grief gets me so hard I can't bring myself to get out of bed. I feel so guilty that there are moments I can't leave the house. I feel so guilty that I don't have the confidence to take him back to some of his favourite baby groups and classes.

I feel so guilty all the time.

I love Brodie with all my heart but I love Baby too. I find myself worrying that I'm thinking about Baby too much and not about Brodie enough. I worry that I'm focusing too much on myself and not enough on the rest of my family.

Life would just be so much easier if we didn't want to have anymore children. But we do. We want to give Brodie a brother or sister to love and to cherish.

We want out family to grow.

Monday, 17 April 2017

Life after pregnancy loss; It all got too much....



Life. It's a funny old thing. Just when you think you have it all planned out something happens and it throws you off your path. You have to build yourself up and find yourself a new path. A path which your unsure where it may lead too.

I believe everything happens for a reason but I do not believe a mother should ever have to lose their baby.

Its no secret I'm struggling in life right now. It's no secret that I've struggled in life before. I've got the hospital notes, Ive got the police record. Mental health is a real thing and its a thing close to my heart. Something I will never be ashamed off because its apart of who I am.

Losing Baby Carrick has been the hardest most heartbreaking moment in all my life. I have lost people in my life before but this time its different. Not only have I lost the baby that I had big dreams and plans for. I've lost a son or a daughter, Brodie lost a brother or a sister and I lost my happiness.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

It's part time I know. I know one day I will gain strength from this and find my happiness again. But right now I'm stuck living with the loss of my baby and the trauma of what happened. Regardless of whether your baby survives, giving birth on your bathroom floor with no pain relief, no midwifes or doctors is scary. Its traumatic. Just the sight of an ambulance takes me back to that place. Takes me back to lying in the back of an ambulance watching my mum cradle my dead baby. Its a whole whirlwind of memories I cannot escape from.

We are getting closer and closer to their due date. The day we were supposed to become a family of four. Someone tell me how to vanish that thought from my mind? The saying time is your biggest healer is not true. Time doesn't make things easier nor does it take away what has happened. Time is just a reminder of what we should have in three months time.

Last week life got on top of me. Long story short I lost the plot, was mentally unstable and was found and taken home by East Sussex police. Im not really sure how I got myself in such a situation but all I know is I'm so grateful to the kind and caring police men dealing with an extremely emotional 'me' and driving me home. As soon as I spluttered the words 'my baby died 6 weeks ago' they dropped the whole police man act and listened to me rant and cry. I was angry. Pissed off that they had tracked me down and found me but grateful for just offering a shoulder to cry on.

However, Its got me thinking.

Right now I don't really know what I'm doing in life. I planned and expected to have another baby or at least be expecting another baby by now. For those that know me they will know I have wanted another baby almost from the moment Brodie was born. I imagined my role as a stay at home mum to become more challenging. That doesn't seem to be happening, so what now? Should I go back to work? Should I find myself a new challenge? A new career maybe?

Im so lost on what path I should be taking right now. Maybe now would be a good time to complete my degree? Maybe now I need to do something for me? As selfish as it sounds, maybe I should put myself first and do whats best for my mental state. The trouble is, when your in this state of mind you don't know whats best for you. Leaving the house is a big enough challenge so going back to university or work would be an even bigger challenge? Maybe one thats too big right now?

Im trying my best to be the best mum to my little boy, whilst dealing with the struggles that grief and depression bring with it. I tell myself we have just been unlucky. But that doesn't take away the pain and desire for wanting a second child and it doesn't stop me thinking how different life would be if we didn't have our hopes and dreams snatched from us. We've been married a whole year next month and I can only hope and pray we get our happy ever after soon.

Please 2017 just be kinder.

Ive never felt so lost and without a purpose more than I do right now. I know this post is pretty bleak but I wanted to share an honest account of what life after pregnancy loss is really like. Just in case one day, someone else stumbles across this post and feels the way I feel right now.

Because its okay not to be okay. 










Tuesday, 11 April 2017

Cyrpus....The Holiday we all needed



After losing Baby Carrick, we decided that to escape the heartache and stress of real life we deserved a luxury holiday, some time away in the sun and some time together as a family. I can not begin to explain how relaxed and chilled out I felt. It was so good to just be treated as normal people rather than the couple that has just lost their baby. We met some lovely people and had the most normal conversations, something we haven't had in a long time. I actually cried on the plane home because I just couldn't face stepping off the plane and going home.



Monday, 27 March 2017

Baby Carrick's Funeral




On Friday the 24th of March we had Baby Carrick's funeral. Another day and another date I wont ever be forgetting.


Wednesday, 22 March 2017

Life after Pregnancy Loss; Grief




Im not really sure if there will be a purpose to these posts but since losing our Baby all I do is read other people's blogs in hope that they make me feel better. So if your reading this and you have just experienced the imaginable, I hope in some way reading this will help you feel that you are not alone.

Greif is a funny old thing. There is no timeline or timeframe. You can chaotically flip from one stage to another, and back again, in a matter of minutes. I wake up every morning and feel as if I hit a brick wall. For a mini second as I come round in a sleepy daze I forget about what has happened. I forget that I lost my baby and then it hits me. And just like that Im back to reality. Back to living the life as a mother grieving for their baby,

Everyday brings a whole new wave of emotions. Sadness, happiness, anger, fear, disbeleif and jealousy are just a few to name. I think one of my biggest emotions is fear. I am so scared I will never hold a baby in my arms again. That I won't fall pregnant or I will struggle with conceiving. Im scared that a future pregnancy may bring more sadness and more heartache. How am I ever supposed to get though a pregnancy after loss without crumbling with fear and anxiety? I cannot lose another baby. I am not strong enough for that shit.

Its coming up to four weeks since we said hello and goodbye. Its been a painfully slow four weeks and the hardest weeks of my life yet. People say that time is the biggest healer. In some ways I agree but in this case time doesn't heal.  There is no way of getting over losing a baby. Instead you learn to just live with the pain.

If I'm completely honest each day is getting harder. I feel more and more empty as the days go by and I'm struggling to come to terms with what has happened. I am surrounded by people announcing their happy baby news, their babies gender and feeling excited about meeting their new arrivals.

Im not going to lie Its hard. So fucking hard. Why do they all get to plan for their babies arrivals when I have to plan my babies funeral? Everywhere I go there seems to be pregnant ladies or new born babies. Its constantly in my face which makes grieving so hard.

As a little girl all I wanted was to be a mum. I dreamed of a big family, a loving Husband and four children. At the moment that doesn't seem to be happening and Im scared that my dream won't come true.

People keep telling me that I'm really brave, that I'm really strong but thats the last thing I feel right now. I feel a complete and utter crumbled, heartbroken mess. Nothing in the world can prepare you for losing a baby. The pain is like no other and no matter what anyone says nothing can make you feel better.

I look at Brodie and my heart bursts with love. I feel like the luckiest person in the world to have such a beautiful, happy, content baby boy. But then I fill with guilt. Why do I feel so sad when I all ready have Brodie? Why is he not enough?

Im scared Im going to waste his childhood being sad whilst longing for another baby when I have him. Why am I so sad when he's everything I've ever wanted? I don't ever want him to think he wasn't enough but right now I want more.

I wish there was a way I could look into the future and know that I will be happy again. That my little family will be okay. Because right now Im scared that day will never happen.

On Friday we say our final goodbyes to our beautiful baby. No mother should ever have to plan a funeral and in the haze of finding suitable music, readings and flowers I can't help but feel sad...its all beginning to feel real now and I'm not sure I'm ready to say goodbye.









Saturday, 11 March 2017

Our Wedding Video....





Sooooooo, you know waaaay back last year Myself and Mr C tied the knot and I officially became his Wife and we had the happiest day surrounded by all our friends and family? Well, we recently received our wedding video and to say it has brought happiness in a time of sadness would be an understatement.


Monday, 6 March 2017

Our Angel Baby Carrick....




Im not really sure if this post is going to make any sense. To be honest my whole life right now doesn't seem to make any sense so I have no idea why I think this would. But I'm just going to write and even if no one reads it at least I can.


Friday, 10 February 2017

Pregnancy Number two - 16 week pregnancy update


I can't believe we are over 16 weeks pregnant now. These weeks seem to be going so fast but so slow at the same time. Im trying to enjoy being pregnant as much as I can with all the worries we have had but I am so desperate to have our little baby here in our arms.

I have been trying to soak up the moments and memories with my little family before our three becomes a four! I am so excited for our family to grow and it is everything we have ever wanted but I have LOVED the little unit and bond we have built as a family of three. We have shared some of the most amazing memories, holidays and adventures but know the best is yet to come!



This week we heard babies heartbeat again at my midwife appointment and we had our 16 week scan to check on the bleed. Although the bleed isn't disappearing or showing any real signs of getting better and buggering off... our baby is happy, healthy and growing perfectly. Its so reassuring to have regular scans and too see them wiggle away!




How Many Weeks

16 weeks + 2 Days

Due Date?

26th July 2017

How is Baby doing?

Baby is now the size of an avocado and is measuring 11.6 cm in length and 100 grams in weight. They are still so tiny but they are growing super fast! Their little heart is busy pumping the blood around and their homes are hardening and their arms and legs are now completely formed. 

Movements? 

Over the last week I have definitely been feeling babies first flutter and movements. It is just as magical as it was with Brodie and really reassuring that baby is growing! I can't wait till they are strong enough for Mr C to be able to feel them too. 

Symptoms?

I am definitely more of a hormonal, emotional mess over the last few weeks. I find myself getting really upset and annoyed at the smallest of things. These hormones do crazy things to our heads!  I have also been experiencing the worst stretching pains in my c-section scar. According to my midwife this is unfortunately normal and no cause for concern unless I am in my third trimester. It has reminded me why I do not really want a C-section again! 

Cravings? 

To be honest I haven't really experienced any cravings at all and didn't really with Brodie either. Theres a lot of things I am completely off, for example meat. But I am not craving anything in particular!


How I'm feeling

I have definitely been feeling more 'normal' the last few weeks and even worried myself by thinking I just don't feel pregnant anymore! In the beginning I felt so awful and had so many signs and symptoms but they obviously disappear as the pregnancy develops. I still have days where I feel really sick and can't really eat unless I take my anti-sickness tablets but I'm hoping the nearer we get to 20 weeks the sooner it will disappear like it did with B. 

My bump has suddenly appeared from nowhere, its true what they say you definitely pop out quicker second time round and I am loving showing it off as much as I can before I become too big and uncomfortable! 


15 Weeks


Looking forward too

I am looking forward to making a start on the babies nursery. We have had new cream carpet laid and built the new cot but we still have lots of decorating to do and bits to buy! It really is exciting though and although we have had one child all ready, our list of bits we need to buy seems to be huge again! 

Missing anything?

A good nights sleep? Its typical...the moment I fall pregnant is the moment Brodie decides he wants to go back to sleeping through the night again. Its great but I have nights where I just can't get to sleep or I'm awake uncomfortable and worrying about something! 

Favourite outfit?

I really need to start investing in some bigger floaty tops or maternity tops as I'm finding any tops that are usually quite tight even before pregnancy are even tighter and now uncomfortable. My trouble with maternity clothes is they are always huge and I never really have that big a bump. So I think I just need to invest in some bigger sized clothing! However, at the moment I am finding I am most comfortable in my leggings! 

Highlight this fortnight?

Seeing our little babe at the scan today....they just looked super cute and such a wiggler just like their big brother! The lady who scanned us used to be a midwife and then retrained so she spent a lot of time going through each thing and showing us how the baby was growing. It was so lovely for someone to spend so much time with us. 









I love hearing about your pregnancy journeys too...did you experience any bleeding but still have a happy baby?

Thanks for Reading
Mrs Carrick xo





Saturday, 28 January 2017

Finding out about Baby Number two





For those who do not know we had our first miscarriage in August last year. It was a really sad and traumatic experience that I would not wish for anyone to experience. Sadly miscarriage is really common, more common than I ever believed.

However, it feels like we have been waiting for Baby number two for months now. After our miscarriage I was really worried it would take months for us to fall pregnant again.

Just when I was giving up all hope, at a real low because I was surrounded by so many new babies, pregnancy announcements and other pregnant mothers, I saw the two blue lines that we were so desperate to see.

It was the 16th November 2016 when I first took the test. I had been feeling a few symptoms but really did not want to get my hopes up. Mr C left for work and I just couldn't take the anxiety of am I? aren't I? anymore.



In the past, whenever I have felt I may be pregnant Mr C was always there when I took the test. This time he wasn't. I decided it wasn't worth the both of us being upset if it was negative. I also did not want to get his hopes up and then let him down.

As soon as he left I went upstairs and peed on the stick. (As we were trying for a baby we had numerous tests waiting in the bathroom cabinet.) I sat on the floor desperately waiting for two blue lines to appear. I begun thinking how much our lives would change, how happy we would be again if we got a positive test...

To my shock, and I mean my absolute shock, two blue lines appeared. I picked it up and stared. I gasped, I shook and I cried. I could not believe it! Two blue lines....our very own rainbow baby. I had to tell Mr C!

I rang him and said he needed to come home right now and it was an emergency. As you can imagine he really wasn't very happy. He had just left for work and was now going to be late. He came in and looked for me.

I hid in Brodie's room holding the pregnancy test in the air. He walked in and I shouted surprise. He was in complete shock just as I was. He put his hands to his head and came running in to give me the biggest cuddle. We cried together, we kissed and it was one of the best moments of 2016.



I wish I had videoed his reaction as it was just priceless but I was in too much of a tizz and I couldn't even hold the camera still to take a decent picture.

(Please excuse what we are wearing. Mr C was just off to a building job so in old clothes and I was clearly not expecting any photos to be taken that morning.)



Moments later I messaged my best friend a picture of the pregnancy test and she could not believe it. She could not work out if I was playing tricks or if it was for real. She was over the moon for us and I could not imagine not sharing that moment with her almost immediately.






We both rang our parents who were of course over the moon for us. My Mum was in just as much shock as we were and kept questioning if I was being serious.

Even now it feels like we are in a complete day dream. Despite the fact we have had several scans all ready, seen our wiggly little baby growing, I can't get my head around the fact our dreams have finally come true and our rainbow baby will be making their appearance this year.

I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who has been there for us during our journey and we cannot wait to continue sharing our pregnancy updates.

All my love

Mrs Carrick xo