Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Sunday, 6 November 2016

Miscarriage and Post Traumatic Stress.....

This week whilst driving home from Brodie's swimming lessons, BBC Radio one where doing a report on the link between miscarriage and Post traumatic stress.

I instantly turned the radio up and listened to what felt like myself talking. They discussed flash backs, nightmares, anxiety, not being able to sleep, not wanting to be around friends and family who were pregnant or those who had recently had a baby. It felt like someone was sat there talking about my life. My experience of losing a baby.

It is believed that a third of woman have PTS symptoms after a miscarriage. There has recently been a study and the findings really shocked me. The results revealed four in ten women reported symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder three months after the pregnancy loss. The hardest part about it all is the lack of help and support out there for those who are living with those problems.

As soon as I was given my theatre date and time the anxiety hit. Hit me like a tonne of bricks. My chest would go tight, I would sweat, struggle to breath and genuinely feel really on edge. The morning of my appointment I couldn't go. I hadn't slept and my anxiety was through the roof, I just wanted a big black hole to swallow me up. My husband rang the apartment and persuaded me to speak to the nurse who encouraged me to come into hospital even if I didn't go through with it.

I did go through with it but I cant say the care I had was amazing. I woke up in the recovery room and burst into tears. The two nurses just looked at me as If I was crazy, checked my blood pressure and left me. I have never been so scared in all my life. I felt like I was stuck in the worst nightmare possible. I went to theatre pregnant and left feeling empty.

After pregnancy all woman are seen at the babies 6 week check up and doctors check you for post natal depression. After a miscarriage you get nothing. I left the hospital after surgery without a single leaflet, no follow up appointment, nothing. In the eyes of the NHS they had done their bit, I was no longer needing to be cared for.

After surgery the anxiety symptoms continued but came back with flashbacks and nightmares.
Each time I closed my eyes I saw theatre. Me lying on a bed absolutely petrified. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't even bare to shut my eyes. I felt like I was being stupid. That I was over reacting and being ridiculous. I didn't want to talk about it, i just wanted it to go away.

A couple of days after our miscarriage a family member gave birth to their child. I will be honest. Knowing that you have just had your baby taken away and that someone else is now lying there holding theirs is unbearable. Why do they get to hold their baby and I don't get to hold mine.

It wasn't an easy few days and unfortunately inconsiderate family members made the experience a whole lot worse. I think that's when I realised I wasn't okay and it wasn't normal to feel the way that I did.

Although I had recognised my problems, recognised my irrational thoughts, my anxiety, my feelings of anger and depression I didn't feel like there was anything that could be done. I didn't feel like speaking to my GP because what were they going to do. Give me a few tablets and chuck me on the waiting list to see a counsellor. Brilliant.

It's not until now hearing other people's stories on the news. Listening to the reports identifying a link between miscarriage and Post traumatic stress that I feel like I'm not alone in the world and im not the only one that feels the way I feel. It is hard to be around pregnant people when all they want to do is talk about their pregnancy. And in no way would I ever want to take that away from them so I distance myself and I shut the door on the world.

I guess that's my way of dealing with it and in time it will get easier and I will be able to move on. The trouble with a miscarriage is your husband, your rock and your support is also hurting too. It's so hard pretending to be okay and pretending to be strong because you know your Husband isn't okay too.

That's why I am so grateful for our amazing friends. Who have given us the support, the kind words, the love and a shoulder to lean on when we really needed it. Without them I really don't know where we would have been.

There is a 1 in 4 chance of experiencing a miscarriage. I am that 1 in 4 and no matter what the story is, a miscarriage is an absolutely awful thing to experience. Everyone thinks that because we all ready have one child, it's easier. In some aspects I would agree, he certainly kept me going but I wanted to make him a big brother, to give him a special bond and to have a small age gap. And I had failed at that.

You will never know how it feels to lose a baby due to miscarriage unless you've been there and worn the t-shirt. Each time someone said I know it must be really hard, I felt like shouting do you? Do you really know what I am experiencing and how I am feeling everyday.

I'm writing this post is because I want to help other people who may be feeling the way I feel. It's okay to be sad, it's okay not to be okay and it's okay to admit that you need help. Us mothers are in this together. Stay strong, The best is yet to come....

Mrs Carrick x

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