Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Thursday, 6 October 2016

A miscarriage 5 weeks on...

Having been public about losing our baby it appears that so many other mothers have also experienced the same pain. I have received so many lovely messages from other Mums which is so comforting in knowing you are not alone. The thing that scares me the most is how common it is to lose a baby. So many mothers have a similar story and have experienced the same heartbreaking feelings.

However, I still feel there is a huge stigma over miscarriage. Its like your expected to just be okay, that its over with now so I should be fine. The truth? Im not okay and I'm not fine. Yes, don't get me wrong it gets easier, and my heart is healing but I still have days where Im on the floor broken. A complete an utter broken mess.

The hardest part is knowing how different life would be right now. Its knowing that we would be decorating Brodie's new room, planning and buying new things for a new nursery. Choosing baby names and new prams. Remembering how happy we were on our holiday in Crete. All that excitement got taken away from us and now were left with a feeling of emptiness and what ifs.

Just after our loss I had someone tell me that it wasn't really a baby but just a bunch of cells merged together. From what I saw on the screen numerous times it wasn't just a bunch of cells. It had a head, a body and stumpy arms and legs, just no beating heart. It was still my baby, the baby I had high hopes for. Looking back on our scan I wish I had asked to keep the scan pictures, because Im never going to forget my little angel.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and through everything, its made me realise how lucky we are to have our gorgeous son Brodie. Our little ray of sunshine when the clouds are grey and how strong we are together as Husband and Wife. Some days I struggle to get out of bed, my mind goes crazy thinking about what we've lost but I have these two and with their help I get through the difficult days. The days when you log on to social media and see numerous baby announcements, baby scans and other peoples healthy pregnancies. You just get through it.

So, five weeks on, my heart still aches. Im not always okay but thats fine. I will get there it just takes time. I recently stumbled across this statement and it couldn't be more true. Ive always believed everything happens for a reason but the hardest thing is waiting for that reason to show up.

On Sunday I had a down moment so we escaped to the seaside for an Autumnal stroll. Its something about being by the sea air that makes you feel at peace with the world again. I hope one day our family will grow but for now I need to stop wishing life away. I have a gorgeous little man who needs me to stay strong. 

If your reading this and your one of those people that sends me little messages now and again or sends me love on twitter and Instagram. Thank you for showing me that you care, for being patient with me , and for always being there. You don't realise how much a simple "hope your okay' can mean to someone when there not.

To those who haven't bothered, who haven't asked how we are and expect me to just be fine. Thank you for showing me who you really are. I hope you never have to experience a pain like this.

Post a Comment