Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Tuesday, 25 October 2016

Two Years on....How did we get here?

Last week marked two whole years since we first discovered we were going to be parents. Two years since we first saw those two blue lines and two years since our lives changed. I really cannot believe our journey as parents started two years ago. Where has that time gone?

I still remember the day we first saw those two lines. The initial shock, excitement and fear that soon followed. I can hands on my heart say that it changed our lives for the better and now looking at our beautiful 16 month old baby boy, my heart is so, so full.

I honestly cannot remember life before Brodie. What did we do at the weekends? What did we talk about? Where did all our money go? Now, our weekends are filled with family adventures, creating memories which I will treasure forever. Our conversation 99% of the time involves Brodie. (I really do apologise to our friends. They must get so bored of the Brodie talk). Our money is spent making sure he has everything he needs, on family holidays and weekends away.

Our journey as parents has seen so many firsts. The first smile, the first word, the first steps. The first family holiday, the first time on the plane, the first Christmas. There are so many firsts that make every day as a parent worth it.

First smiles

First Christmas

I look at my son now and can't help but think how did we get here? How is he now 16 months? He's climbing everything, running everywhere and learning new things everyday. The newborn haze of feeding every few hours, the night feeds and the sleepy cuddles all feel like a distant memory. I would do anything to go back in time and savour our last night feed just one more time. To hold my tiny  newborn baby on my chest whilst he slept so peacefully. I always feel like I never appreciated those moments enough, before you know it they no longer wake in the night or want those sleepy cuddles.

My journey as a mother has brought me so much happiness, made me a stronger, more confident person and taught me so much about myself. I felt so ready to become a mum, I felt like it was my purpose in life... the reason I was put on this earth. But I was never prepared to feel the overwhelming love that I do. It is something that you will never be able to describe and never understand until you have a child of your own.

One week old

Greece 2016

As someone who worked with children, I used to be so frustrated with the parents who found it hard to say goodbye, found it hard to leave their children in nursery. I now sympathise so much more with those parents. I hate leaving Brodie and the thoughts of sending him to nursery terrify me.

I feel so lucky to be a stay at home mum. The bond I now have with my son is incredible. We have the best days together, he is my best friend. I laugh, he laughs. Two years ago I would never have expected to be spending everyday at home, I loved my job but now, I wouldn't trade it for the world. The one thing I have learnt as a parent is you will do whatever, whenever to keep your baby happy and being a stay at home mummy is giving him the best start in life.

Center Parcs, New Years 2015

Life as a mother keeps getting better and better. There is always a new reason to love him and even when you are going through the darkest times, there is always a new reason to smile. I feel so lucky to be this boys 'Mumma'. The one he comes too when he is sad, the one he wants at 2am in the morning, the one he kisses goodnight too and the one he smiles good morning too. Everyday as a mum to this boy is the best day. I feel so very, very grateful. 

Skin to skin snuggles

'Before you have your first baby you are a girl, and then you become a mother. 
There is no transition into being a woman; 
you literally become a mum and being a mum always means 
you love someone else more that you love yourself 
and its an unexplainable situation.'

Mrs Carrick x

Monday, 17 October 2016

Pick your own Pumpkins at Beluncle Farm, Hoo

At the weekend, like many other people I follow on Instagram we decided to go Pumpkin picking! It is such an Autumnal thing to do and would love to make it a tradition and continue to do, until our children can no longer face leaving the house with their parents.

Sunday, 9 October 2016

Our weekend 08/10/16

After a stressful week and it feeling like it was just one thing after the other we decided to escape from the world this weekend. We looked at booking a hotel but decided to save the pennies and hopefully squeeze in another visit to Center Parcs before this year is over!

We have had such a lovely weekend. The majority of it has been spent outside enjoying the autumn air! We took so many lovely photos so be prepared for photo spam!

On Saturday we met up with my parents for a pub lunch before heading out for a long afternoon stroll. We stopped at a pub called The fox near Croydon and then walked till our feet could no longer walk in a place called Happy Valley. The sights over the valleys are just beautiful. You can see the Shard and other London buildings. Unfortunately the weather wasn't great. It was a mixture of sunshine, cloud and rain. However we weren't going to let the weather spoil our fun.

Thursday, 6 October 2016

A miscarriage 5 weeks on...

Having been public about losing our baby it appears that so many other mothers have also experienced the same pain. I have received so many lovely messages from other Mums which is so comforting in knowing you are not alone. The thing that scares me the most is how common it is to lose a baby. So many mothers have a similar story and have experienced the same heartbreaking feelings.

However, I still feel there is a huge stigma over miscarriage. Its like your expected to just be okay, that its over with now so I should be fine. The truth? Im not okay and I'm not fine. Yes, don't get me wrong it gets easier, and my heart is healing but I still have days where Im on the floor broken. A complete an utter broken mess.

The hardest part is knowing how different life would be right now. Its knowing that we would be decorating Brodie's new room, planning and buying new things for a new nursery. Choosing baby names and new prams. Remembering how happy we were on our holiday in Crete. All that excitement got taken away from us and now were left with a feeling of emptiness and what ifs.

Just after our loss I had someone tell me that it wasn't really a baby but just a bunch of cells merged together. From what I saw on the screen numerous times it wasn't just a bunch of cells. It had a head, a body and stumpy arms and legs, just no beating heart. It was still my baby, the baby I had high hopes for. Looking back on our scan I wish I had asked to keep the scan pictures, because Im never going to forget my little angel.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and through everything, its made me realise how lucky we are to have our gorgeous son Brodie. Our little ray of sunshine when the clouds are grey and how strong we are together as Husband and Wife. Some days I struggle to get out of bed, my mind goes crazy thinking about what we've lost but I have these two and with their help I get through the difficult days. The days when you log on to social media and see numerous baby announcements, baby scans and other peoples healthy pregnancies. You just get through it.

So, five weeks on, my heart still aches. Im not always okay but thats fine. I will get there it just takes time. I recently stumbled across this statement and it couldn't be more true. Ive always believed everything happens for a reason but the hardest thing is waiting for that reason to show up.

On Sunday I had a down moment so we escaped to the seaside for an Autumnal stroll. Its something about being by the sea air that makes you feel at peace with the world again. I hope one day our family will grow but for now I need to stop wishing life away. I have a gorgeous little man who needs me to stay strong. 

If your reading this and your one of those people that sends me little messages now and again or sends me love on twitter and Instagram. Thank you for showing me that you care, for being patient with me , and for always being there. You don't realise how much a simple "hope your okay' can mean to someone when there not.

To those who haven't bothered, who haven't asked how we are and expect me to just be fine. Thank you for showing me who you really are. I hope you never have to experience a pain like this.