Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Thursday, 8 September 2016

When can we move on....

I never knew a missed miscarriage would be this unfair, this painful and cause so much heartbreak! Of course any miscarriage is absolutely devastating but when your body isn't able to naturally miscarry, it takes longer to recognise you are no longer pregnant. 

This morning I was feeling ready to close the chapter on this rather shitty (excuse my language) book! I felt ready to start on our new journey and for the first time in weeks, excited for what is yet to come. 

I did a pregnancy test in hope for a negative result. It's probably the only time in my life I will ever wish for a negative pregnancy test. Did I get what I wanted? No. Within seconds those two blue lines appeared. Anger, sadness and frustration crept upon me & the tears soon fell. How is it fair that I am ready to move on yet my body still thinks I'm pregnant. 

I don't know how long my hormone levels are going to be high for. When you leave hospital your not given any information on how long these things could take. I've read online it could take anywhere between 4-6 weeks. It's frustrating because all we want is our family to grow. 

You see people announcing their pregnancy news on social media and I can't help but think that would be me in a weeks time. We had it all planned, Brodie's big brother t-shirt brought, a Big brother present. Even my mum picked up a Big Brother t-shirt whilst she was out shopping. I had to cancel my midwife appointment this week, something I was so excited for.  I'm still waiting for the day that it gets easier. 

The whole experience has been absolutely heartbreaking. I don't understand what we have done to be punished like this. We may not be the amazing parents in the world but we do our God damn best everyday! All we want is to make Brodie a big brother :( Our journey into parenthood was never supposed to be this way. 

I'm not sure what I would have done with my husband. He has seen me cry more times in the last two weeks than ever before. He's stayed so strong for the both of us yet I know he's hurting too. Our much needed stay in the New Forest was beautiful. We turned our phones off and escaped the world for a few days. 

Swinging on rope swings, walking amongst animals in the open countryside and having quality time as the three of us was exactly what we needed. If only we didn't have to come home to incredibly insensitive family members. 

The huge majority of our friends and my parents have been amazing. The messages we have received from people, the flowers, the cards. We have been completely over whelmed. However some people need to think twice about approaching me anytime soon. I will leave it at that. 

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