Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Thursday, 1 September 2016

A Letter to my Baby

This isn't an easy post to share. When I first wrote this post I wrote it with a full heart, I was excited and I hoped to share it as an announcement post. This is now the complete opposite. My heart now aches & there feels like there is a huge hole in my life.

You see for 9 short weeks I was Mumma to two babies. Myself & Mr C dreamed of our little growing bubble and had big hopes for the future. We disucssed baby names, new prams, moving Brodie into his new room, designing a new nursery. We have enjoyed two holidays together were 99% of our conversation was all about our growing little baby.

Crete 2016 

However It all came crashing down last week when we discovered at an early scan our little bip had no beating heart. It has been the toughest week of my life. We were told 4 times our baby had no heartbeat. As if the first time wasn't enough! :(

This week I went into theatre as I was showing no signs of naturally miscarrying. Walking past the post natal ward, knowing thats where you should be in 7 months time is like a stab in the stomach. It kills. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done. Sadness, heartache, frustration an anger are only a few emotions I have been feeling .

Although miscarriage is common you never expect it to happen to yourself. Especially when you have so many of the healthy normal pregnancy signs and symptoms. Unfortunately though I am that 1 in 4, I am one of those Mummas that have to feel the heartache of losing something they wanted so bad. It kills me knowing babies are being born unwanted, that people are having abortions, unplanned pregnancies they don't want. Yet the baby I want, so bad, the baby I would love to hold, is no more.

I am so, so grateful for our amazing friends and family & those who have sent messages of love. . Surrounding ourselves with those who make us happy has made this last week a little easier. My Husband has been incredible, he is my rock and this has brought us even closer and even stronger.

As for our baby boy, I am so so blessed to have him. He makes the darkest days that little bit brighter and I know one day we will make him a Big brother again.

I am trying to focus on the future. The sunshine that comes after a storm and the rainbow. Oh the rainbow. But for now I need time, time to heal emotionally and physically. Life is tough but the sunshine always shines again one day right?

I'm not sharing this post for sympathy but purely because I was so excited to share my letter to my baby and although its not for the reason I want it to be....its still apart of my life and apart of who I am now. They will always be my little angel baby.

Thank you for making me so happy the last few weeks. I wish It didn't have to end this way.


Its the 21st of July 2016 and it has just become a day I will never forget. Its the day I saw the words 'pregnant' for the first time.  I still now can't quite believe it. 

Daddy is over the moon. He is so incredibly happy to learn that our family is growing, our little family of three is soon to become four. Im completely over whelmed with happiness, it is exactly what we wanted but at the same time the biggest surprise. We just didnt expect you to come along so quick, seriously how lucky are we. Some people wait months...years! 

Brodie your big brother is with us....he is running around laughing and giggling. I think he's sensed that something exciting is happening. He is wearing the biggest smile on his face. I can't wait for you to meet him. Your going to grow up surrounded by so much love and I'm so excited to watch you grow up together. 

I worked out instantly how long it would be until we meet you. My phone app estimates for you to arrive on April the 1st 2017. How exciting. Im going to start counting down the days, months and weeks till we first see you, first hear your little heart beat and finally get to meet you. 

2016 started off to be a rubbish year for me and your daddy. There has been so much hurt, so many tears. We are a team, and so strong together, but you my baby, you have given us everything we wanted. You are your big brother are the best things in life. We are ending 2016 on such a high all thanks to you. Happiness doesn't come close. 

If only you knew how much we loved you all ready. 

Love Always
Mumma x

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