Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Thursday, 8 September 2016

When can we move on....

I never knew a missed miscarriage would be this unfair, this painful and cause so much heartbreak! Of course any miscarriage is absolutely devastating but when your body isn't able to naturally miscarry, it takes longer to recognise you are no longer pregnant. 

This morning I was feeling ready to close the chapter on this rather shitty (excuse my language) book! I felt ready to start on our new journey and for the first time in weeks, excited for what is yet to come. 

I did a pregnancy test in hope for a negative result. It's probably the only time in my life I will ever wish for a negative pregnancy test. Did I get what I wanted? No. Within seconds those two blue lines appeared. Anger, sadness and frustration crept upon me & the tears soon fell. How is it fair that I am ready to move on yet my body still thinks I'm pregnant. 

I don't know how long my hormone levels are going to be high for. When you leave hospital your not given any information on how long these things could take. I've read online it could take anywhere between 4-6 weeks. It's frustrating because all we want is our family to grow. 

You see people announcing their pregnancy news on social media and I can't help but think that would be me in a weeks time. We had it all planned, Brodie's big brother t-shirt brought, a Big brother present. Even my mum picked up a Big Brother t-shirt whilst she was out shopping. I had to cancel my midwife appointment this week, something I was so excited for.  I'm still waiting for the day that it gets easier. 

The whole experience has been absolutely heartbreaking. I don't understand what we have done to be punished like this. We may not be the amazing parents in the world but we do our God damn best everyday! All we want is to make Brodie a big brother :( Our journey into parenthood was never supposed to be this way. 

I'm not sure what I would have done with my husband. He has seen me cry more times in the last two weeks than ever before. He's stayed so strong for the both of us yet I know he's hurting too. Our much needed stay in the New Forest was beautiful. We turned our phones off and escaped the world for a few days. 

Swinging on rope swings, walking amongst animals in the open countryside and having quality time as the three of us was exactly what we needed. If only we didn't have to come home to incredibly insensitive family members. 

The huge majority of our friends and my parents have been amazing. The messages we have received from people, the flowers, the cards. We have been completely over whelmed. However some people need to think twice about approaching me anytime soon. I will leave it at that. 

Thursday, 1 September 2016

A Letter to my Baby

This isn't an easy post to share. When I first wrote this post I wrote it with a full heart, I was excited and I hoped to share it as an announcement post. This is now the complete opposite. My heart now aches & there feels like there is a huge hole in my life.

You see for 9 short weeks I was Mumma to two babies. Myself & Mr C dreamed of our little growing bubble and had big hopes for the future. We disucssed baby names, new prams, moving Brodie into his new room, designing a new nursery. We have enjoyed two holidays together were 99% of our conversation was all about our growing little baby.

Crete 2016 

However It all came crashing down last week when we discovered at an early scan our little bip had no beating heart. It has been the toughest week of my life. We were told 4 times our baby had no heartbeat. As if the first time wasn't enough! :(

This week I went into theatre as I was showing no signs of naturally miscarrying. Walking past the post natal ward, knowing thats where you should be in 7 months time is like a stab in the stomach. It kills. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done. Sadness, heartache, frustration an anger are only a few emotions I have been feeling .

Although miscarriage is common you never expect it to happen to yourself. Especially when you have so many of the healthy normal pregnancy signs and symptoms. Unfortunately though I am that 1 in 4, I am one of those Mummas that have to feel the heartache of losing something they wanted so bad. It kills me knowing babies are being born unwanted, that people are having abortions, unplanned pregnancies they don't want. Yet the baby I want, so bad, the baby I would love to hold, is no more.

I am so, so grateful for our amazing friends and family & those who have sent messages of love. . Surrounding ourselves with those who make us happy has made this last week a little easier. My Husband has been incredible, he is my rock and this has brought us even closer and even stronger.

As for our baby boy, I am so so blessed to have him. He makes the darkest days that little bit brighter and I know one day we will make him a Big brother again.

I am trying to focus on the future. The sunshine that comes after a storm and the rainbow. Oh the rainbow. But for now I need time, time to heal emotionally and physically. Life is tough but the sunshine always shines again one day right?

I'm not sharing this post for sympathy but purely because I was so excited to share my letter to my baby and although its not for the reason I want it to be....its still apart of my life and apart of who I am now. They will always be my little angel baby.

Thank you for making me so happy the last few weeks. I wish It didn't have to end this way.


Its the 21st of July 2016 and it has just become a day I will never forget. Its the day I saw the words 'pregnant' for the first time.  I still now can't quite believe it. 

Daddy is over the moon. He is so incredibly happy to learn that our family is growing, our little family of three is soon to become four. Im completely over whelmed with happiness, it is exactly what we wanted but at the same time the biggest surprise. We just didnt expect you to come along so quick, seriously how lucky are we. Some people wait months...years! 

Brodie your big brother is with us....he is running around laughing and giggling. I think he's sensed that something exciting is happening. He is wearing the biggest smile on his face. I can't wait for you to meet him. Your going to grow up surrounded by so much love and I'm so excited to watch you grow up together. 

I worked out instantly how long it would be until we meet you. My phone app estimates for you to arrive on April the 1st 2017. How exciting. Im going to start counting down the days, months and weeks till we first see you, first hear your little heart beat and finally get to meet you. 

2016 started off to be a rubbish year for me and your daddy. There has been so much hurt, so many tears. We are a team, and so strong together, but you my baby, you have given us everything we wanted. You are your big brother are the best things in life. We are ending 2016 on such a high all thanks to you. Happiness doesn't come close. 

If only you knew how much we loved you all ready. 

Love Always
Mumma x