Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Tuesday, 26 April 2016

A Mothers Guilt...

A mothers guilt is the worst feeling you can ever experience as a mother. It is a feeling you just won't be able to understand until you become a mother yourself.

Recently Brodie has been suffering with separation from myself really badly. He's always been grumpy if I've left a room without him. However, at the moment its got to the point where he wants my attention all the time, to be on me physically, and now will not go to sleep unless I sit with him!

Its really tiring and I cannot explain the guilt I feel seeing him so distressed. Is it something that I have done? Have I spent too much time with him? Should I be returning to work? Does he need more time apart from me?

My job as a stay at home mum is too look after him, I don't feel comfortable leaving him with others because its my job, my job to be there? He has never really spent time apart from me, except from my hen do, and whenever he does he spends it with my Mum who he absolutely adores.

Im sure parents who return to work will feel just as guilty juggling working and the guilt of leaving their babies behind, but stay at home mums get mummy guilt too!

I feel guilty if I spend too much time cleaning the house and not enough time playing with him, and then I feel guilty for playing with him too much and not cleaning the house. I am happy that I get to spend every minute at home, (as I am really lucky & I know that) but I feel guilty for wishing I had more time to myself! I feel that I don't plan enough activities, or attend enough baby classes, and then I feel guilty for taking him along to a class that he doesn't really enjoy when he would much rather spend time outside exploring.

The mum guilt could go on forever and anything could turn into a reason to feel guilty but the worst part is definitely feeling like I can't give enough to my son. I know from my studies that he's just developing and learning that objects exist even when they cannot be seen, and I know its just a phase that he will eventually grow out of but nothing can prepare the guilt that goes with it!

The fact I feel this guilty allows me to realise just how much I care. If I didn't care I would have nothing to feel guilty about. I know it has just been a bad day, (he literally wouldn't let me put him down between 3pm-7pm, climbing on me screaming, whining, even sitting on the sofa he had to be on me and not just next to me!) and tomorrow is a new day!

I just hope he realises that no matter what, how much he may tire me or frustrate me, my love for him is more than anything in the world!

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