Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Tuesday, 9 February 2016

A truhtful post from a first time Mumma

As each month passes I find it hard to come to terms with my baby being a whole month older. In 8 short months he has learnt and grown SO much. He's beginning to take his first independent steps using his baby walker. Before I know it he will be off, bags packed and he wont need his Mumma anymore. I don't think I will ever be ready for that day!

When I see pregnant ladies shopping, buying all the new exciting things needed for their babies arrival I feel jealous. Not in a bitter way, but I know the feeling they are going to experience in a few months time. The feeling when you first meet the little one you've been growing for 9 months and it is the best feeling in the world. I would do anything to experience that feeling again. I want to grab each pregnant lady I see and tell them to cherish each moment because time just flies. No words will ever be able to explain the love you feel when you first hold your newborn baby and no moment in your life will ever compare.

Looking back on the last year, I really, really wish I took more time enjoying each pregnant day. I wish I savoured all the baby shopping with my baby daddy, took more photos of my forever growing bump, because I'm never going to have that ‘first time’ feeling again. The first time you experience a baby scan is amazing, to see your teeny baby on a screen wiggling in front of you, the first time you feel their little kicks or hiccups are even better and the first time you hear their fast beating heart is incredible. 

When I first found out I was pregnant I said goodbye to my career, to future holidays exploring the world, the lay ins and date nights with Mr C. At the time that seemed incredibly scary. Everything we had known for 5 years was suddenly going to change. We had spent the last five years building our lives together, and we are a team, we were ready to have a baby. Ready for our lives to change. 

During pregnancy I was so anxious about how I would cope being a mother. I didn't enjoy being pregnant as I spent every day worrying. I guess that's only natural when you have suffered with years of anxiety after previously hitting rock bottom but I felt like I would struggle, let my baby down and be a rubbish mother!  I was wrong. I don’t feel like I'm a bad parent at all, I feel like I'm a bloody good mother. Im incredibly proud of how myself and Adam have taken to parenthood, no parent is ever perfect but so far we are doing a pretty good job! 

So, Instead of sacrifices, I have gained something incredible. I have gained the most rewarding, happiest job in the world. June the 15th 2015, Brodie was born, and so was Sarah. The Sarah I will be for the rest of my life. 

Wedding Update #2

People reading this who have never planned a wedding will probably read this and think seriously how dramatic. But I cannot explain how stressed I have felt recently whilst planning this wedding. There is no real reason behind it because we are actually very organised and only have minor things left to arrange. However, last week it all got on top of me and I found myself saying to Adam why are we doing this?

I honestly said to myself why? Me & Adam are so incredibly happy together, we are a team, he loves me and I love him so in reality what will being married do to us. Yes my name will change and we will be a complete family but we have never exactly done things the ‘normal’ way. We decided against waiting to be married before having our first baby and we we wont necessary feel any happier or any more in love…So why?

Adam begun explaining how much he wanted to marry me and how he's always wanted to make me his Mrs Carrick. He's told me daily for the last three years to be fair but when your stressed you forget all about that. Through the tears and the tantrums I realised that I do want to marry this man. I Really want to marry this man. I just have too look at him and I feel all funny. He's the other half of me, the daddy to our son and my soulmate, so of course Im going to marry him, why else did I say Yes.  

I've had to learn to stop stressing. To stop with the two o'clock wake ups worrying that my hair stylist wont turn up on the big day to do my hair, worrying that my dress wont fit or that i’ll lose my phone because my wedding dress doesn’t have a pocket? Because in less than four months time all the planning will be over and I will be Mrs Carrick.

Our day may not be perfect in other peoples eyes, they may not like our food choices or our choice of wine (its expensive so they better) but so what. I finally get to marry the other half of me and our son will be there to make it even more special and thats all that matters to me.

When I sit back and look at our wedding spreadsheet, admire everything we have all ready organised I wonder why I am getting so stressed. Nearly everything is booked, sorted and paid for. A lot of our wedding is DIY and although this adds extra stress and work, I think this will add a real personal touch to our special day. This is exactly what we wanted. 

We haven't got a theme as such but I'm pretty sure its just love. There will be love everywhere. Each table will have a different love quote that we have related too in some way over our 6 years together. I absolutely love our favours which will also have a special touch of love and every sign is relatable to us and our love in some way. Everyone has always told me that the love me & Adam share is so unique and like no other. I really think this will show off on our big day as I can finally see what everyone has been talking about for the last six years! 

Our colour theme is still baby pink (obviously) but I think pink is the most perfect colour for a May wedding. The Bridesmaid dresses have arrived and our absolutely beautiful. They are exactly what I wanted and not at a ridiculous price! When we first went dress shopping we went to a shop in Bluewater. We found the perfect style dresses in the perfect colour but they wanted £600 for three dresses. Now the dresses were beautiful but that was not within our budget. When I spotted the exact same dress in Debenhams, in the exact colour I wanted I was over the moon! 

The majority of our wedding flowers will be pink and white Roses and I am so excited for my bouquet! I love love love flowers. Our house is always full of them and in the summer so is our garden. There will be flowers everywhere. 

Our cake has flowers on, and the cake table will be decorated with milk jars filled with more flowers. Each table will have a birdcage filled with flowers and this will be our main centrepiece. The bird cages will then be surrounded by small decorated jars which will be filled with more pretty flowers. I cant yet decide how I want the birdcages decorated as there are so many different ways and Im trying my best to find something a little unique! However, who knew flowers could be so bloody expensive?! 

I recently went to my first wedding dress fitting where I tired my very own dress on for the first time! It was such a weird feeling. Although I had tried on so many wedding dresses whilst dress shopping, the fact I was now standing in the exact dress I will be wearing on my wedding day was scary! It fits perfectly! After 5 months of constant worrying that I was never going to fit into a size 6 wedding dress, I did, and its even more beautiful than I first remembered. 

I have found the perfect outfit for Brodie which will match what his daddy is wearing! I cant explain how excited I am to have him at our wedding with us. He has the most adorable little sign which reads ‘daddy here comes mummy’ personalised with our wedding date, it will just make our day. 

The mens suits have not yet been brought (gulp) but they seem to know exactly what they are after and its just a case of nagging Adam to go and buy them all! They have decided to go pretty quirky, and I love the colour choice and style! Its unique again which I just love! 

I am soo excited about squeezing a wedding videographer into our budget. I have always dreamed of having our wedding filmed and I have found the most amazing videographer. Of course it blew the original budget we had set but I just could not resist. The videos are just amazing and I know it will be worth every penny!

Despite all of it. All the flowers, our stunning venue and my beautiful dress. I really really cannot wait to finally be Mrs Carrick. On the 14th May 2010 we had our first ever date. The 14th May 2016, 6 years later we will be married. Our life is one big fairytale.

I don't want to give too much away, so here our some photos from our beautiful engagement shoot last August!