Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.


Thanks for stopping by.



Mrs Carrick x



Saturday, 31 December 2016

Our Year 2016




Twenty Sixteen...where do I start. I lost a few people on the way but I gained something incredible. I gained the same surname as my two boys, fell in love all over again and married my childhood sweetheart. I watched Brodie grow from a baby to a little boy and I am so proud my heart could burst!

I have loved looking back on this year as it made me realise that although we went through some tough times, had our fair share of tears and trouble. We also had some unforgettable moments, holidays and adventures. And the best part....we survived !



January

We started January in our favourite place...Center Parcs. It was the best start to the year, a mini stay-cation with my two boys, enjoying time away as a family. Although January is my Birthday month it is pretty miserable time of year and I begin counting down the weeks till summer! 









February

In February I had my first wedding dress fitting. There is something really special about standing in your very own wedding dress for the first time! It really got me excited for our wedding day!






March

In March I had my first Mothers day. A whole day to celebrate being a Mum with my two boys! Perfect excuse to be spoilt ! We spent a lot of March at the seaside enjoying the beautiful spring weather, you cannot beat a bit of sea air!







We also started the kitchen renovations and had to move out of our home and into my parents house for three weeks. I was so excited as we had been planning our new kitchen for years and finally it was happening!





April


April was a really busy month. We moved back into our home as our new kitchen and patio was complete! I still now absolutely adore it and although it involved a lot of work it was worth it all! You can read about our kitchen renovations here. 





 We enjoyed another trip to Center Parcs this time with my whole family...13 of us in total! It was the first time all my brothers and sisters had been together in the same place for years. It was so much fun being able to spend some time with them all!



We had our Hen and Stag do's which was soon much fun! 


I also had my final wedding dress fitting and collected my dress ready for the big day! Our honeymoon to the Domincan Republic got cancelled two weeks before we were supposed to depart and this was really stressful but luckily Mr C managed to book as an even better Honeymoon to Mauritius. Happy Wife Happy life! 



May


May has and always will be my favourite month of the year. Its the most beautiful with all the pretty blossom trees and late evenings. It is also the month that saw me first ever get with Mr C, engaged and then as of this year Married. 






We had the most beautiful day and Im still now blown away! I feel so lucky to be married to my childhood sweetheart and to have had a wedding as beautiful as ours.  You can read all about our day here!



Two days after our wedding we jetted off to Mauritius on a family honeymoon and it was incredible. SO beautiful, so luxury and so lovely to be in our own wedding bubble! Read about our Honeymoon here.



June

In June we celebrated our baby's first birthday. We had a small party at our house with a bouncy castle. Unfortunately it rained most of the day so my idea of a BBQ, paddling pool and garden party quickly got blown out the window but he still had the best day!




Our baby also learnt to walk in June. Which was a massive milestone and an emotional month for Mumma. My baby really was no more!


July

In July we discovered we were expecting baby number two. We also booked a last minute holiday and flew off to Crete for a week. It really was one of the best holidays we have ever had. The spontaneous holidays are always the best!




We had the most beautiful weather, complete sunshine every day and Brodie absolutely loved the swimming and exploring somewhere new. I loved our holidays as a couple but nothing beats sharing our holidays with our little one. He brings fun to a whole new level!




August

I adore August as Mr C always manages to take a lot of time off! We came home from Greece and a couple of days later went off to Center Parcs. We had the best time cycling, swimming and soaking up the time together as a family.




August was also the month we gained our angel baby and experienced our first miscarriage. Although this was really painful its something I don't want to be forgotten. You can read about it here


September

After our Miscarriage in August Mr C booked for us to stay in the New forest. I absolutely adore the New Forest and is one of our favourite places and it was extra special being able to take Brodie. Although it wasn't a happy time, we made the most of our time away as a family, switched off our phones and enjoyed being away together.




October

October is another really beautiful month, especially this year as it was really warm. We enjoyed a lot of Autumnal walks and our first experience Pumpkin Picking which can be read about here.






November


November was another pretty month and we enjoyed more frosty walks together as a family and had some National Trust adventures. We also started a new family Christmas tradition, pick your own christmas tree which was really enjoyable. You can read about that here.








Brodie also got accepted on to the books of a modelling agency and had to get his photos taken. He was really good and made us both so proud! We also managed to get some super cute photos out of it!



December


December is always an exciting month as its Christmas! This year it was more exciting than ever because we had Brodie and although he wasn't completely aware with what was going on he really enjoyed the christmas adventures. We met Father Christmas twice, went ice skating, cut down our christmas tree and decorated the house. 




On Christmas day he was so shocked and excited to see all the presents under the tree. He really loved opening and playing with each and everyone and got utterly spoilt by our friends and family. 





I started the year as a Miss and I'm ending it as Mrs Carrick. I have never been happier and so content with life than finally being married to my best friend. I absolutely love being Mrs Carrick and know 2017 will bring a whole load of new adventures and new fun!

Wishing you all a Happy New year! 

Mrs Carrick xo


















Thursday, 15 December 2016

Brodie's 18 month update



Last week Brodie turns 18 months old. I have been a mother for a whole year and a half and often wonder where the heck time has gone. Brodie is 100% out of the baby stage now and we are in full blown toddler. I miss the newborn cuddles but life with a toddler is so much fun. He is always off at full speed and never stops. From the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep. Getting him to sit through a five minute TV programme is never easy! Not that its a bad thing!




Brodie is an extremely active boy and has always been a confident walker and climber. The other day I walked into his room to find him sitting on the window sill. Our windows are really high and he somehow used the radiator to climb up! He is really big for his age, currently on the 99th percentile for weight and height. He's beginning to wear aged 2-3 year clothing, mainly in jumpers and 18-24 in trousers as although he's tall, he's really skinny! He's got size six 6 feet and they seem to be forever growing.

His development has come on leaps in the last few weeks. He understands so much more, can follow simple instructions and is surprising me with new words everyday. He can confidently name his important family members, (although he still calls me Sarah the majority of the time) and is able to ask for what he wants which makes life a little bit easier. He's pretty good at saying 'Please' and 'Ta' and his new favourite is to purposely do something and shout 'Oh dear!'.





He loves cars, trucks and trains and spends most of the time charging up and down our hall ways with his trucks. He demands that everyone chases him and joins in and he loves to take guests upstairs to his new bedroom to play with his trains. A simple walk can end up taking hours as he likes to stop and shout 'Car' and then wave 'Bub bye' at every one that drives past and stops to point whenever he can hear an aeroplane!

Brodie is such a social little boy. It is one of his special little traits. I guess we are lucky that he is surrounded by so many children daily as it is honestly amazing to see. He is so advanced because of it, especially with the eating/drinking using the correct cutlery and a cup, and holding a pen to do colouring. He has always had really good fine motor skills which is something he certainly doesn't get from me! He is getting better at sharing his toys although we still have moments where he will lash out if someone has a certain toy he wants. However, I understand that it must be hard having to share his house, his toys and his mummy with so many other children so I think he does pretty well!

When he's taken to other social situations with other children he is not at all fazed and always really keen to join in and make friends. I was thinking about starting him in Nursery next September. However I have changed my mind after seeing how advanced socially he is. He can stay at home with Mumma for a little longer!

He is really into his books and dancing at the moment. He does the cutest little dance moves to the Thomas theme tune and gets so excited. He loves to sing row row and walks around singing without even realising he's doing it!  He is always happiest when outside and I do my best to make sure he has at leat one walk outside a day! He is such an outdoors little person and I can't wait till he is old enough to start at the local forest school. He will be in his complete element!




He loves animals and is lucky to be brought up with a dog, rabbits and guinea pigs. He has the best relationship with our dog Chalky and he adores him. He walks around shouting Chalky if he can't find him and has a habit of sneaking dog treats out the cupboard and feeding him. After our trip to the New Forest in September he adores Horses and gets so excited overtime we see one.


One big development is in his swimming! He has always loved swimming from the moment I first took him at 12 weeks. However, I never expected a year later he would be as advanced as he is now. He spends more time out of my arms than in my arms and is becoming SO confident at swimming alone. He can swim to the side of the pool climb out and jump back in all independently. He can also swim under water, grab a hoop and then swim up to a pole, climb the pole and put the hoop over the top...independently! Honestly he amazes me at every single lesson. His swimming teacher cannot believe how able he is for being the youngest in the class by a good few months!

Above all else he is the most affectionate loving little boy I have ever met and I've met a few! He adores his family, and loves to be cuddled and to give cuddles in return. He still loves to fall asleep on my chest whilst I stroke his cheek and the first thing he does in the morning is give us all a kiss. My favourite is when you say 'love you' and he blows you a kiss. He has got pretty cheeky though! He will go to give you a kiss and then blow a raspberry in your face. It has me in hysterics overtime he does it. He still loves to Co-sleep as much as we do and I love nothing more than my sleeping baby lying on my chest.




Overall he is the happiest little boy on earth. Always smiling, always laughing and always up to no good. I hate to say it but *touch wood* we rarely have any issues with tantrums or tears. He can be extremely stubborn and SO strong willed but is also a pretty laid back little boy but that doesn't mean it won't all change. I feel extremely lucky to be at home everyday to watch him grow up into the sweet little boy he is! Our days together are the best and although tiring, I wouldn't change it for the world. He really is my best friend!




Thank you for the best 18 months of my life B! Continue being happy and healthy and may all your dreams come true. Mummy and Daddy love you more than anything in the world. Always....


Monday, 5 December 2016

Brodies New room



Last month we decided to move Brodie from the nursery into the spare bedroom. We decided that having a spare bedroom was just unnecessary and It would be so much better for Brodie if he had more space to play and store his ever growing collection of toys! He's really enjoying trains and the Brio train track at the moment so giving him space to have a track out permanently has been amazing!  He takes everyone upstairs demanding they play trains with him! Its so cute!




Sunday, 20 November 2016

6 Months Married....




This week marked six whole months since I became Mrs Carrick! I cannot believe I've only been married six months. It feels like I have always been Mrs Carrick but at the same time our wedding feels like it was only yesterday.




Wednesday, 9 November 2016

Choose your own Christmas Tree





This year we have started so many different family traditions, one for each season! We went on the most beautiful Bluebell walk in Spring, ran through Lavender fields in the summer, picked our pumpkins this autumn so it seemed only right we found a new christmas tradition.




Sunday, 6 November 2016

Miscarriage and Post Traumatic Stress.....


This week whilst driving home from Brodie's swimming lessons, BBC Radio one where doing a report on the link between miscarriage and Post traumatic stress.

I instantly turned the radio up and listened to what felt like myself talking. They discussed flash backs, nightmares, anxiety, not being able to sleep, not wanting to be around friends and family who were pregnant or those who had recently had a baby. It felt like someone was sat there talking about my life. My experience of losing a baby.

It is believed that a third of woman have PTS symptoms after a miscarriage. There has recently been a study and the findings really shocked me. The results revealed four in ten women reported symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder three months after the pregnancy loss. The hardest part about it all is the lack of help and support out there for those who are living with those problems.

As soon as I was given my theatre date and time the anxiety hit. Hit me like a tonne of bricks. My chest would go tight, I would sweat, struggle to breath and genuinely feel really on edge. The morning of my appointment I couldn't go. I hadn't slept and my anxiety was through the roof, I just wanted a big black hole to swallow me up. My husband rang the apartment and persuaded me to speak to the nurse who encouraged me to come into hospital even if I didn't go through with it.

I did go through with it but I cant say the care I had was amazing. I woke up in the recovery room and burst into tears. The two nurses just looked at me as If I was crazy, checked my blood pressure and left me. I have never been so scared in all my life. I felt like I was stuck in the worst nightmare possible. I went to theatre pregnant and left feeling empty.

After pregnancy all woman are seen at the babies 6 week check up and doctors check you for post natal depression. After a miscarriage you get nothing. I left the hospital after surgery without a single leaflet, no follow up appointment, nothing. In the eyes of the NHS they had done their bit, I was no longer needing to be cared for.

After surgery the anxiety symptoms continued but came back with flashbacks and nightmares.
Each time I closed my eyes I saw theatre. Me lying on a bed absolutely petrified. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't even bare to shut my eyes. I felt like I was being stupid. That I was over reacting and being ridiculous. I didn't want to talk about it, i just wanted it to go away.

A couple of days after our miscarriage a family member gave birth to their child. I will be honest. Knowing that you have just had your baby taken away and that someone else is now lying there holding theirs is unbearable. Why do they get to hold their baby and I don't get to hold mine.

It wasn't an easy few days and unfortunately inconsiderate family members made the experience a whole lot worse. I think that's when I realised I wasn't okay and it wasn't normal to feel the way that I did.

Although I had recognised my problems, recognised my irrational thoughts, my anxiety, my feelings of anger and depression I didn't feel like there was anything that could be done. I didn't feel like speaking to my GP because what were they going to do. Give me a few tablets and chuck me on the waiting list to see a counsellor. Brilliant.

It's not until now hearing other people's stories on the news. Listening to the reports identifying a link between miscarriage and Post traumatic stress that I feel like I'm not alone in the world and im not the only one that feels the way I feel. It is hard to be around pregnant people when all they want to do is talk about their pregnancy. And in no way would I ever want to take that away from them so I distance myself and I shut the door on the world.

I guess that's my way of dealing with it and in time it will get easier and I will be able to move on. The trouble with a miscarriage is your husband, your rock and your support is also hurting too. It's so hard pretending to be okay and pretending to be strong because you know your Husband isn't okay too.

That's why I am so grateful for our amazing friends. Who have given us the support, the kind words, the love and a shoulder to lean on when we really needed it. Without them I really don't know where we would have been.

There is a 1 in 4 chance of experiencing a miscarriage. I am that 1 in 4 and no matter what the story is, a miscarriage is an absolutely awful thing to experience. Everyone thinks that because we all ready have one child, it's easier. In some aspects I would agree, he certainly kept me going but I wanted to make him a big brother, to give him a special bond and to have a small age gap. And I had failed at that.

You will never know how it feels to lose a baby due to miscarriage unless you've been there and worn the t-shirt. Each time someone said I know it must be really hard, I felt like shouting do you? Do you really know what I am experiencing and how I am feeling everyday.

I'm writing this post is because I want to help other people who may be feeling the way I feel. It's okay to be sad, it's okay not to be okay and it's okay to admit that you need help. Us mothers are in this together. Stay strong, The best is yet to come....





Mrs Carrick x

Tuesday, 25 October 2016

Two Years on....How did we get here?




Last week marked two whole years since we first discovered we were going to be parents. Two years since we first saw those two blue lines and two years since our lives changed. I really cannot believe our journey as parents started two years ago. Where has that time gone?



I still remember the day we first saw those two lines. The initial shock, excitement and fear that soon followed. I can hands on my heart say that it changed our lives for the better and now looking at our beautiful 16 month old baby boy, my heart is so, so full.




I honestly cannot remember life before Brodie. What did we do at the weekends? What did we talk about? Where did all our money go? Now, our weekends are filled with family adventures, creating memories which I will treasure forever. Our conversation 99% of the time involves Brodie. (I really do apologise to our friends. They must get so bored of the Brodie talk). Our money is spent making sure he has everything he needs, on family holidays and weekends away.






Our journey as parents has seen so many firsts. The first smile, the first word, the first steps. The first family holiday, the first time on the plane, the first Christmas. There are so many firsts that make every day as a parent worth it.

First smiles

First Christmas


I look at my son now and can't help but think how did we get here? How is he now 16 months? He's climbing everything, running everywhere and learning new things everyday. The newborn haze of feeding every few hours, the night feeds and the sleepy cuddles all feel like a distant memory. I would do anything to go back in time and savour our last night feed just one more time. To hold my tiny  newborn baby on my chest whilst he slept so peacefully. I always feel like I never appreciated those moments enough, before you know it they no longer wake in the night or want those sleepy cuddles.





My journey as a mother has brought me so much happiness, made me a stronger, more confident person and taught me so much about myself. I felt so ready to become a mum, I felt like it was my purpose in life... the reason I was put on this earth. But I was never prepared to feel the overwhelming love that I do. It is something that you will never be able to describe and never understand until you have a child of your own.

One week old


Greece 2016


As someone who worked with children, I used to be so frustrated with the parents who found it hard to say goodbye, found it hard to leave their children in nursery. I now sympathise so much more with those parents. I hate leaving Brodie and the thoughts of sending him to nursery terrify me.

I feel so lucky to be a stay at home mum. The bond I now have with my son is incredible. We have the best days together, he is my best friend. I laugh, he laughs. Two years ago I would never have expected to be spending everyday at home, I loved my job but now, I wouldn't trade it for the world. The one thing I have learnt as a parent is you will do whatever, whenever to keep your baby happy and being a stay at home mummy is giving him the best start in life.

Center Parcs, New Years 2015


Life as a mother keeps getting better and better. There is always a new reason to love him and even when you are going through the darkest times, there is always a new reason to smile. I feel so lucky to be this boys 'Mumma'. The one he comes too when he is sad, the one he wants at 2am in the morning, the one he kisses goodnight too and the one he smiles good morning too. Everyday as a mum to this boy is the best day. I feel so very, very grateful. 

Skin to skin snuggles





'Before you have your first baby you are a girl, and then you become a mother. 
There is no transition into being a woman; 
you literally become a mum and being a mum always means 
you love someone else more that you love yourself 
and its an unexplainable situation.'



Mrs Carrick x






Monday, 17 October 2016

Pick your own Pumpkins at Beluncle Farm, Hoo







At the weekend, like many other people I follow on Instagram we decided to go Pumpkin picking! It is such an Autumnal thing to do and would love to make it a tradition and continue to do, until our children can no longer face leaving the house with their parents.


Sunday, 9 October 2016

Our weekend 08/10/16




After a stressful week and it feeling like it was just one thing after the other we decided to escape from the world this weekend. We looked at booking a hotel but decided to save the pennies and hopefully squeeze in another visit to Center Parcs before this year is over!

We have had such a lovely weekend. The majority of it has been spent outside enjoying the autumn air! We took so many lovely photos so be prepared for photo spam!

On Saturday we met up with my parents for a pub lunch before heading out for a long afternoon stroll. We stopped at a pub called The fox near Croydon and then walked till our feet could no longer walk in a place called Happy Valley. The sights over the valleys are just beautiful. You can see the Shard and other London buildings. Unfortunately the weather wasn't great. It was a mixture of sunshine, cloud and rain. However we weren't going to let the weather spoil our fun.


Thursday, 6 October 2016

A miscarriage 5 weeks on...



Having been public about losing our baby it appears that so many other mothers have also experienced the same pain. I have received so many lovely messages from other Mums which is so comforting in knowing you are not alone. The thing that scares me the most is how common it is to lose a baby. So many mothers have a similar story and have experienced the same heartbreaking feelings.

However, I still feel there is a huge stigma over miscarriage. Its like your expected to just be okay, that its over with now so I should be fine. The truth? Im not okay and I'm not fine. Yes, don't get me wrong it gets easier, and my heart is healing but I still have days where Im on the floor broken. A complete an utter broken mess.

The hardest part is knowing how different life would be right now. Its knowing that we would be decorating Brodie's new room, planning and buying new things for a new nursery. Choosing baby names and new prams. Remembering how happy we were on our holiday in Crete. All that excitement got taken away from us and now were left with a feeling of emptiness and what ifs.



Just after our loss I had someone tell me that it wasn't really a baby but just a bunch of cells merged together. From what I saw on the screen numerous times it wasn't just a bunch of cells. It had a head, a body and stumpy arms and legs, just no beating heart. It was still my baby, the baby I had high hopes for. Looking back on our scan I wish I had asked to keep the scan pictures, because Im never going to forget my little angel.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and through everything, its made me realise how lucky we are to have our gorgeous son Brodie. Our little ray of sunshine when the clouds are grey and how strong we are together as Husband and Wife. Some days I struggle to get out of bed, my mind goes crazy thinking about what we've lost but I have these two and with their help I get through the difficult days. The days when you log on to social media and see numerous baby announcements, baby scans and other peoples healthy pregnancies. You just get through it.




So, five weeks on, my heart still aches. Im not always okay but thats fine. I will get there it just takes time. I recently stumbled across this statement and it couldn't be more true. Ive always believed everything happens for a reason but the hardest thing is waiting for that reason to show up.

On Sunday I had a down moment so we escaped to the seaside for an Autumnal stroll. Its something about being by the sea air that makes you feel at peace with the world again. I hope one day our family will grow but for now I need to stop wishing life away. I have a gorgeous little man who needs me to stay strong. 








If your reading this and your one of those people that sends me little messages now and again or sends me love on twitter and Instagram. Thank you for showing me that you care, for being patient with me , and for always being there. You don't realise how much a simple "hope your okay' can mean to someone when there not.

To those who haven't bothered, who haven't asked how we are and expect me to just be fine. Thank you for showing me who you really are. I hope you never have to experience a pain like this.