Madly in love with my Husband Adam and proud Mama to our son Brodie James Basil & our rainbow, Ari Rupert. Here you will find me chasing happiness & surviving life after Baby loss.

Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs Carrick x

Tuesday, 29 December 2015

A rant from a C-section mum

If people really believe that C-sections are the easy option they clearly have not experienced it. Although I didn't get to give birth naturally I was pretty damn close. I was in labour for over 12 hours, I pushed for two hours before experiencing the rather pleasant ventouse and forceps. It failed, some may say I failed. But I didn't. I did everything I could, but my baby had his cord round his neck 4 times. This was now an emergency.

I was lying in a delivery suite surrounded by over 8 different midwives and consultants, completely oblivious to how serious my delivery was becoming.  One minute I'm attempting to give birth the next, I'm being sped out of the room, down bright shining corridors into a theatre room. The lights in theatre are brighter, scarier and the amount of people double. I am not kidding when I say at least 20 different people came running out from about 4 different rooms. I couldnt see Ads for ages, he did blend in well wearning his theatre blues, but I finally found him stood against the wall, as white as a sheet, scared.  It wasn't until the next day I begun to understand that not all those people were midwives. There were consultants, midwives, student midwives, anaesthetists, and then paediatricians. All there anxiously doing their best to ensure my baby was born alive. He was. In fact he entered the world screaming his little head off. Im not surprised. It was pretty traumatic.

I experienced labour pains with no pain relief. Gas and air is absolutely hideous. It just made me sick. I had no choice but to just breath through the pains and hope for the best. But no pain, no pain in the world will ever compare to the pain I felt as the surgeons ripped (i mean ripped with their fingers, one surgeon pulls you from one side, the other from the other side) me apart to deliver my baby. He arrived within 4 minutes of me entering the room. They attempted to numb me and don't get me wrong, I had some pain relief, but not completely. My epidural failed for the 2nd time which meant I could feel everything down one side. They did not have time to fuss over my pain relief. They spray you with cold air in hope you can't feel it, but I could.

After me screaming and causing the worlds biggest fuss. They stuck a lovely face mask on me and gave me pain relief through a mask. Although this again didn't stop the horrendous feeling and hideous pain as they stitched me back together, (which takes about half hour may I add) it made me feel all funny and there I was watching my love with our beautiful son. If it was not for that moment I don't know how I would have got through. Ads reminds me daily of the silly things I was saying whilst breathing in this pain relief. Apparently i told the anaesthetist, an Indian looking guy, he used to be my taxi driver. The awkwardness the next day when he came to visit me was unbelievable.

However, its not just the C-section itself that causes pain, its the recovery.  The first time I stood I passed out on the floor. The pain was so unbearable. I couldn't sit up right, I couldn't lift my baby and I couldn't walk or stand. I was so frail and broken. The love of your baby gets you through, gets you going and gives you the determination to fight through the pain.  (the strong pain killers also help too)

As the wound started to pull tighter and heal the pain got worse. Lets face it, they hardly had time to be nice and think about the pain they would cause me whilst ripping me apart. But one surgeoun definitely pulled harder than the other. My left side caused me SO much pain. You don't realise how much you need your stomach muscles until they are ripped apart. You can't laugh, cough, lift or pull yourself up. You basically become a hermit. Unable to move.

After the 5th day of being bed bound, stuck staring at the same 4 walls, my amazing other half decided to take me out in a wheel chair, To begin with I refused although at the same time, a trip to Costa Coffee and something other than a broken TV to look at seemed like a good idea. However I couldn't. I physically couldn't sit upright in the wheelchair. The pain was so extreme I was sat in tears, and although I was determined, the pain won and back into bed I went.

When we were finally able to go home all I could think about was how I was going to walk out the hospital door. Of course I was going too, I had been stuck in hospital for 6 days. But the pain was horrendous, I had tears in my eyes the whole way. As soon as we got out the door, I leant on the wall and waited for Adam to bring the car round.

You always dream about putting your baby in the car for the first time but all I could think about was sitting down and taking more pain killers. The recovery once we got home was then long. Adam still had to do majority of things, (at least I got out of the housework for a while) and even 6 weeks later, If I over did it, went on too long a walk, the pain would be back. Now I'm left with a wonky scar. A scar that brings back horrendous memories. I would do it all over again ( I may not have a choice) but how I pray the surgeons are kinder next time.

Now I can't say I have experienced natural labour. I hope that one day I do, but never say having a C-section is an easy way out. Because lets face it, its really not.

Monday, 30 November 2015

Brodies (nearly) 6 month Update!

Oh Brodie where have the last six months gone. I cannot believe in two weeks time we will be celebrating your half a year birthday! I know its cliche but the last six months really have been the happiest six months of my life.

You are such a happy little bubba (the majority of the time) and everyone notices how laid back and content you are. Well I suppose you would be with such a chilled out daddy! It doesn't take much to get the contagious little smile across your face and it makes me so happy that you wake up with the biggest smile and always give me the biggest smile when I kiss you night in the evening.

Being your mummy is the most rewarding job in the world. Somedays are harder than others, especially when your a little pickle but the truth is Brodes, I'm new to this too! I will always do my best to be the best mummy to you but bare with me, I can't get everything right everyday!

Your weaning journey is going really well. You absolutely love all your fruit and vegetables and I cannot wait for you to start enjoying new foods and tastes! It makes me super proud that your not fussy like your Mumma! Your favourite foods are swede, Banana, mango, and butternut squash! Im pretty sure you would eat banana all day if Mumma let you!

You have being sleeping through the night for about 8 weeks now! Sometimes you wake up but your such a good boy and always manage to fall back to sleep. You moved into your own room and your big boys cot and I miss you not being next to me. (I cried every night for over a week) I miss our 4am snuggles and our co-sleeping but I'm so proud of you! We still enjoy our day time snoozes together in the big bed, all snuggled up! Your still not very good at going to sleep during the day though. I have never known a baby stay awake in an hours pram walk, or in a long car drive but you do! Its lucky Mumma is here to sing you off to sleep as that seems to be the only way you will fall to sleep! Your favourite song is still 'you are my sunshine' & 6 months later I still have my random moments of crying whilst singing it to you! I just love you so much!

You absolutely love your swimming lessons and next term move up into the next class, 'splashers' which you are going to be amazing at! You are such a splasher, constantly soaking Mumma and all the other babies with your crazy kicks and splashing hands! You are super clever and can now swim under water all by yourself and for the first time last week, we swam under water together!

You have recently decided that you hate lying down. You have always hated tummy time so you hate it when you roll over and get stuck! Your a little gymnast at the moment shuffling yourself up and down the mat and rolling all over the place. I really hope its not long before you crawl because you hate being stuck in one place! Your new favourite thing to do is stand, you seem to think learning to stand is more fun than learning to sit ! Such a monkey!

You still go crazy in your Jumperoo! Its so funny to watch! You think your such a dare devil jumping without holding on! I think being in the jumperoo is where your love for standing has come from! We had to pack away your baby swing this week as you cannot stand it anymore! You used to love it so much and its so sad that you have all ready outgrown it!

Last week your third tooth cut through and I think I can see the 4th! Your so good and have barely fussed at all! Everything goes in your mouth though so they are obviously bothering you!

Our weekends together with Daddy are the best! You are so besotted with your daddy! Your two peas in a pod and you love having him around! You go so crazy with excitement when daddy walks in from work and love it when he baths you! Our weekends are always spent enjoying our time with you and taking you out to explore the world! You love your new baby carrier so now we can enjoy even more walks together!  

Its crazy how fast the last 6 months have gone but I am excited for all the holidays, weddings, and watching your grow up in the next 6 months!

Thursday, 12 November 2015

Falling in love with a moment

I have ummed and arred about posting this post for so long because I did not want other people to get the wrong impressions but here we go!

I saw this quote and it made me stop and think;

'Have you ever fallen in love with a moment? With its magic, its irrelevance to reality and its reassuring spirit? I have, I have and I wish you too find the moment, your moment, the one that will feel as if heaven has lent you a few of its intriguing moments' 

It instantly brought me back to a special moment, the first time I ever saw Adam holding Brodie.

This moment will forever be my favourite. I remember the first time I held Brodie. Of course I loved it, those skin to skin snuggles were the most precious few moments but nothing beats watching the man you love with your child. Something you have both wanted for so long.

After the emergency C section I was so limited in movement, couldn't lift Brodie out of his cot or stand for more than a few moments without being in hideous amounts of pain. For this reason Adam had to do everything for me, shower me, help me to the toilet, dress me, inject me with blood thinners and keep me laughing through all the tears and roller coaster of emotions. Not only did he have to do everything for me, he had to do everything for Brodie. Run down the corridor at 1am and 4am to make a bottle, lift him out of his cot to pass him to me, wash and sterilise all the bottles, sleep on a hospital floor for 6 days just so he could be there for us and deal with the doctors and nurses who would keep coming back with bad news!

I had dreamed of doing all those things for Brodie when he first arrived yet there I was bed bound and unable too, I felt completely useless. It was frustrating, but I was so so lucky that Adam was incredible. Its when your put in a situation like that I realised how much love Adam gives me every single day. Flowers and presents are nice but those real moments of love are amazing. You wont know what love is until you experience a moment like this.

In six months time we will be getting married and I will gain a new surname. The same surname the rest of my family share. Do not get me wrong I am so incredibly excited for our wedding day. Its a day we have spoken about for six years. It will be a day full of love and happiness surrounded by our favourite friends and family.

But people always say weddings are the happiest day of your life. However if its not the happiest day of my life I won't stress, theres many more moments in my life left to come. I want a marriage more beautiful than our wedding. Am I going to worry over making sure everything is perfect so people don't judge me? No. A wedding is a party, not a performance. It will be an amazing day, I will marry my childhood sweetheart, have my son in my arms and fall in love all over again.

Tuesday, 4 August 2015

Pregnancy Number one - Brodie's Birth story

This is my fourth attempt at writing my birth story. Each time I have attempted before, I can't find the words and end up all emotional. But here it is...the birth story of Brodie Carrick.

Giving birth is the most frightening, exciting and scary experience any woman will ever experience. In your head you have a plan of how you want your birth to go, you spend ages researching and writing it into a beautiful birth plan. However, in reality you can never predict your birth.  I wanted a natural labor in a birthing pool... I got the exact opposite.

My waters broke on the Friday evening, they burst just as I was walking down the hospital corridor. By the time I made it into Triage I looked like I had sat in a swimming pool! It was confirmed by a lovely midwife, my waters had gone and unless I went into natural labour in the next 24 hours I would be booked in for induction on the Sunday.

I did everything you can imagine to get labour started on the Saturday. I walked for miles, bounced on my ball... Nothing! So induction on the Sunday morning it was! Luckily I was given an early appointment and off we went, our last final drive as the two of us, we would not be leaving the hospital without a baby!

The first stage of induction did not work, and after hours of waiting around they decided to send me to the delivery ward to begin on the hormonal drip. I was put on the hormonal drip at 8pm and by 10pm was in established labor contracting every minute and a half. I was determined not to have an epidural, but the contractions were getting stronger so I asked the midwife how many people usually have an epidural when having the hormonal drip. She laughed and said 'i have been a midwife for 25 years and can count on one hand how many people I know NOT to have an epidural' I was so shocked by this so asked her if she thought I should have an epidural, she smiled and said yes. So epidural it was.

By 2am I was 2cm dilated. This really frustrated me, I was beyond exhausted and just wanted to meet my little man...why were things taking so long! However when the midwife checked again at 6am I was fully dilated. I was so so excited! I got told we needed to wait 2 hours before I could begin pushing so I had a little snooze... I needed all the energy in the world to get this baby out!

At 8am the midwife we had all night left and two new midwifes entered the delivery room. I was slightly disappointed as we had spent 12 hours together in a room and now she was leaving and wouldn't get to see Brodie's arrival.

However, the two new midwifes were really really lovely! I begun pushing but after a long hour, no sign of baby and one exhausted Mumma to be, they decided to call in the consultant. The consultant decided to try Ventouse and if no luck forceps! This was my biggest fear, I really did not want an assisted delivery but when your put in that situation you do whatever is possible to have the safe arrival of your baby.

After several attempts of the Ventouse, more doctors and consultants entered the room to try this point I was getting worried. The consultant attempted forceps delivery a couple of times and then said 'get theatre ready, tell them we are on our way' and before I knew it I was whizzed out the room heading straight for theatre.

I was beyond confused, I honestly did not know what was happening, one minute I'm pushing my baby out the next I'm on my way to theatre. We entered the theatre room and almost 20 different midwifes came running out from different directions, I remember looking up at the bright theatre lights and hearing someone say 'get the resuscitation table ready', I completely freaked out...what was happening and how was my baby.  We entered the room at 9:48am and Brodie arrived via Emergency C Section at 9:52am. 4 minutes and he was out! Unfortunately the safety of my baby came first and making sure I was completely pain free wasn't a necessity. That shows just how much of an 'Emergency' his birth really was.

Hearing him cry for the first time was the best moment of my life. Although I did not get to hold him straight away as they checked him over from head to toe, he was screaming the whole time and I knew he was finally here and safe. He was then handed over to Adam and he instantly stopped crying, I looked over at my two boys and we both just cried. Tears of happiness and tears of shock. Brodie had his cord wrapped round his neck FOUR times, so each time I attempted to push him out, his cord held him back. I honestly can not thank the midwifes and consultants enough for ensuring he made it into this world safely. Their quick actions ensured he arrived with only a few marks, one from the Ventouse, one from the forceps and a small cut on his arm from the C Section. My poor baby had it all.

Nothing in the world will ever prepare you for the love you feel when you finally meet the little one you have been growing inside you for 9 months. He is worth every minute of pain and although the birth was traumatic I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.  Its true what they say ' Birth takes a woman's deepest fears about herself and shows her that she is stronger than them'.

Brodie James Basil Carrick
Born 15th June 2015 at 09:52am
Weighing 8lb 5oz

Sunday, 12 April 2015

Wedding update #1

Our wedding seems to be creeping upon on us! It may be 13 months away but once baby C has arrived its going to fly by! We have the date and venue secured for the 14th May 2016 at Swallows Oast in Ticehurst.

I feel extremely lucky to be getting married in my dream wedding venue, it honestly could not be more perfect. However Im really beginning to feel unorganised and been such an organised person its stressing me out!

I know exactly what i want. I have chosen wedding dress styles, bridesmaid dresses, cake design and wedding decor all thanks to Pinterest, I just haven't got round to doing anything about it yet! I currently can't go wedding dress shopping due to my growing baby bump but I'm praying i get back to my normal size ASAP so I can start trying on different dress styles. 

The colour theme is going to be baby pink...of course! I want baby pink bridesmaid dresses, and pink flowers everywhere... even on the cake! I am having a white Porsche as my wedding car with pink ribbon and I'm going to make sure Baby C has pink on him somewhere! 

I really feel like I need to get the photographer organised as they get booked up so quickly but I'm so extremely fussy. Seriously, who knew there were so many wedding photographers out there!? For me, the wedding photographer is such an important part of the day and I'm therefore not setting a budget. I will find someone who I truly believe will capture all the best moments from the day regardless of the price! I'm actually having two photographers but one is a very close family friend!

We are looking at booking the honeymoon next month, as soon as travel agents bring out brochures for May 2016! However we cannot decide where to go! We are looking to go the Monday after the wedding and of course taking baby C with us so the hotel needs to be bubba friendly as well as perfect for a honeymoon! Any suggestions would be amazing!

I have chosen the cutest invitations from! I cannot wait to send these out, it will suddenly feel so real! We are currently thinking about having a big hog roast, a bouncy castle and a variety of games! We are really looking at making it a big party with lots of champagne and something for everyone to remember as a special day, not just us!

I have so many DIY small touches which with the help from family and friends we can make ourselves to ensure we have the most beautiful wedding day!

We still have so many important things to consider such as timings, the registrar & Im struggling to decide whether we should have a DJ or a live band... I love the idea of having a live band although they appear to be a lot more costly than a DJ!

The best part about our venue is the flexibility of it all. Hopefully been May we will have a lovely summers day so hope to get married outside and be able to enjoy the beautiful surroundings. However if not the inside of the barn is just as either way i am happy! 

I basically just cannot wait to become Mrs Carrick for real, Counting down the months, weeks and days!